Ruinsofbeauty

Sleepless Dreams
2017-11-13 05:19:29 (UTC)

A Way to Get Even

I'm going to wrap this up soon, unless I feel like writing about a particular incident that I experienced with you that I think a reader might find interesting. As far as what I'm writing that is specifically for you, I'm almost done. As of today, I still can't stand you. You're a horrible person, and anyone who has to be in a relationship of any kind with you suffers. I don't care what you think, or how you protest. Deep down, you know it's true. You are incapable of having any kind of healthy relationship because you lack the skills. I told you that when we first got involved. If I had been smart, my even having to say that to you should have made me walk away. This is where I take responsibility for myself. I stayed, but I don't think I was capable of leaving. I was like you. My mind wasn't working right at the time, and I didn't have the strength to leave. My mom, my grandfather, and Jeff were gone. Two of those people were dead, so they wouldn't be returning. My uncle was dying and would be dead soon, too. My entire emotional support system was gone, and I had no spouse to turn to because he had left me and was gone, too. Everything had been wiped out so fast, I never even had a chance to catch my breath. The hits just kept coming and coming, so I had no choice but to take them. When my grandfather passed, I didn't feel as if I were even going to be able to survive. I still had my two daughters, but I didn't think I'd make it. I hated my new life without my grandfather in it, and I didn't have the strength I needed to be the head of my family. If everyone had just been sick, and I had to take over, I would have done it perfectly. Under any other conditions, except for the ones that I was under, I have exactly what it takes to be head of the family. I am assertive, independent, and strong. I can do anything if I set my mind to it. I am not the sort of woman who can be pushed around (which is kind of ironic considering that's exactly what you did). But they weren't just sick. They were dead, and I felt like they left me here defeated and alone to pick up the pieces. Thank God I had friends, otherwise, it would have been impossible to get through it. Little did I know that I was about to invite a monster into my life who would, not only make it worse, but would interfere with time that should have been spent recovering from losses in my life. Instead, I had to deal with a bully who pushes women around to make himself feel better than he really is. You keep forgetting that I'm smart, M. I know how these things work, and I know that deep down, you know what a monster you are. I think that probably had something to do with you being on the fence about me. I think you thought you loved me, but you really only loved the way I made you feel. It was the same for me. You made me feel better than I felt, but that's not saying much, because I wanted to die. I couldn't even tell my friends about you. The only one who knew was Anna. I didn't feel comfortable telling John about you, and, that right there, alone, should have made me rethink my being with you, because, if I can't tell John about something, almost always, it's because it's a bad fucking idea. You're a bad idea if I ever saw one. There are going to be some people who will think that I shouldn't have done this. That I shouldn't have written anything about you at all. They're not objecting because they're on your side. They're objecting because they feel as though I'm giving you more attention than you deserve. That may be, but I don't care. At this stage of my life, I do whatever I have to do for me. I'm at the top of the totem pole now, and that's a long drop down if I decide to let anything get the best of me. My kids can't have a mother who's sitting around pining for some asshole who couldn't show that he gave two fucks about her. I've never cried over you, and I never will. But I know you've cried. I'll bet when it finally hit you that you were never, ever going to be able to see me again, you cried like a baby. You can put on your tough guy act all you want, but you forget that I've seen you completely raw. I've seen your soul, if you can call it that. I know what you're like when you're out of your costume. I know what you're like when you're weak. I saw the things that even you don't like to see, and I'll never forget. I could never get over the fact that you've managed to exist and mix among people and have them all not know that there is something wrong with your design. People with flaws hide them all the time, but I was surprised that YOU were able to do it, because all you ever think about is yourself. You're like an infant. All an infant does is take. It doesn't start to give back anything until it develops. You have never reached that place. You never give anything back. You might give someone something under the guise of being generous, but you can bet you're going to get back more than you put in, because you've already thought about it. I think that everything you do when you're not angry is calculated. You're impulsive, but it's only in regards to your temper.. and you used to be impulsive when it came to me. I know you didn't like it, because you weren't in control of your actions. You didn't like running around following your impulses when it came to me because it was starting to make you do things you thought you shouldn't be doing. Sometimes, it was. But, you know what? Sometimes, it wasn't. Sometimes, it made you humble. Sometimes, it made you sweet. That's the person that I wish you were. That's the one I wish I had gotten to see more of, and that's the guy I met on my porch, but he doesn't exist. He's just someone you were when you were around me.. and you only felt that way when you were here. If I had any amorous feelings at all, it was for him. The reality of the situation is that you actually are the monster I've seen. For the monster, I feel nothing but contempt. You are all the things I can't stand in people and try hard not to be. You're even a few nightmarish things I hadn't considered. Sometimes, it takes work for a person not to be an abomination like you, but it's possible. I know it does, because, even I struggle, at times, not to be a person like you. That's what makes you bad, M. I know you know when you're doing something that isn't right, but you do it anyway. You do it, because you just don't give a fuck. Even if you do give a fuck, you still don't care about the person more than you care about yourself. You don't mind stepping on people if it means that you'll come out ok. I told you that a long time ago. It was the first time I realized just exactly how monstrous you were. That's why I started calling you a monster. It's what you are. The name fits. Like, all of this? Everything that's happening right now? I know you care. You care about it, but not enough to make you do the right thing because you think you'll lose your family over it. Maybe you would. I have no clue. I don't know them, but I'm going to tell you this. Your wife knows. On her last visit, she told me she knew, and the look on her face told me she was telling the truth. I have this freaky gift, M. I'm able to look at people who I know (not strangers), and I'm able to read them. I can't predict their futures or anything, but I can give you a very detailed reading as to why they are who they are and why they've done something. It's almost like a psychological profile, only I've had no training, and I don't know the source of the knowledge. That's why I call it a gift. It's been invaluable. The only thing is, it's never preemptive. It never comes to me and tells me that the person standing in front of me is a big jerk, and I should run away. It doesn't work like that. It steers me once I already know someone. I'm going to tell you something that is going to bother you, because you have something called false pride. You think you're way better than you are, and you think you deserve the best of everything. You'll never get it because you're a loser, but you still think you deserve it. My intent behind telling you isn't to make you mad, though. It's to show you that I have always been one step ahead of you, my friend, and I have no doubt that, if you haven't found these entries in the journal already, you will find them once you move. Once you move, your wife will once again feel pretty, because the prettier woman around the corner isn't posing a constant threat. Once she lightens up, you'll start to move about the internet much like you used to without fear of getting caught, and you'll find these. So I know they'll get read. I have been trying to leave you since before you got caught the first time. When you got caught, I was ecstatic because I thought that you'd have to stay home, and I'd be free. To my horror, after you got caught, you were actually here more than you were before. I started to panic, and I thought I was going to be trapped forever. At that point, I think that you were seriously considering having me replace your wife. I don't know what made you think that I wanted that because I had told you very early on that I could never live with you. I made it very clear that I would never be like your wife. In fact, when you told me that you guys weren't happy together and lived separate lives, I asked you why she was home all day. With a sickened look on my face, I even told you that, if that were me, I'd be damned if I would stay locked up in that house all day and night with you. I'd be out and about. Prior to your family finding out about your affair the first time, do you remember what you used to threaten me with? I'll tell you to refresh your memory. You used to threaten with a video you said you made (without my consent) of us together. It was the type of video that I wouldn't watch with the family. (That's as specific as I'll get about it.) That video is how you kept me. Whenever I would talk about leaving, you would threaten me with releasing it. If I had done something that you didn't like, you would send me a picture of the discs that you had made. Then you would send me a picture of an envelope addressed to the persons you would be mailing it to. Threatening to release that video is how you kept me in line, too. Whenever I didn't want to do something, I knew what I was going to get threatened with. Fortunately, the video threat surfaced pretty close to the time that your family found out about the affair, because you weren't using it long prior to that incident, and you never used it again after you got caught. (I'm guessing it got tossed/deleted along with all of the other evidence of my existence that you kept on your phone or wherever it was that you slept.) After you got caught, you went on an eight day binge. Do you remember that? You spent almost the entire time here, and I thought you'd never leave. I really was starting to panic because I couldn't be your only woman. The only way that I could be with you was if you were married and had to go home. Before they found out, you were attempting to control everything I did. You even tried to control my going on a field trip with my daughter. I was in a really bad situation with that damn video. I knew I had to get something on you of equal value to be able to get out of being blackmailed all of the time. There was no way in hell I was going to be your slave and do whatever you asked. I'm not that type of woman. What was going to happen was one of us was going to be destroyed, and it wasn't going to be me. I'm sure you remember some of the eight day period, because we've talked about it. You were drinking nonstop, so there are times that are fuzzy for you. I was drinking a lot, too, because I was still going forward with my plan to just die and join my family. Well, the night we watched Grease and were singing along with all of the songs, we fell asleep together, but not before I took some pictures of you in my bed. Before I'm judged for this, it was the only way I could be on level ground with you. I had to have something that I could counter you with whenever you threatened me with that video. I couldn't let you have the upper hand, so I did what I had to do in order to put us on equal footing. (Coincidently, you had cried so much about your son during those eight days, I never feared you again.) I told you about the photos, but you thought I was kidding. It doesn't really matter what you thought, though, because they do, indeed, exist. I couldn't have you having that kind of control over me. It's kind of funny, because, you always said that you were just like me but with a dick. That would suggest to me that the flip side is true. If you're just like me, that would make me just like you. Considering that, if someone had a questionable video of you and was using it to exploit you, would YOU just let that ride? Then why would I? You're an idiot if you think for one second that I wouldn't do something like that to protect myself. I've told you before, I'm not a victim. I'm kind of tired now, so I'm going to write later. I have so much more to tell, but it's going to have to wait.. Until then..


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