LustingforNightmares

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2017-11-13 03:44:11 (UTC)

pervasive


"Too Much Time" by John Vanderslice

Stone by stone, I left my only home
And brick by brick, walled myself from happiness

November 12, 2017 Sunday 10:16 PM

I've been having this brief struggle in trying to befriend a guy from my Lit class, Dan—it doesn't appear to be working out. I asked him to socialize on Saturday, but he said his parents were in town, which I believe but also maybe it was a convenient excuse? He didn't ask if I wanted to reschedule or anything. But that could be because he's socially awkward. Plus, I feel like if it were me, I might not reschedule just because I don't like spending time with strangers. I dunno. But either way, I had a lot of anxiety about this situation and if me trying to force my friendship on Dan is going to bring to surface all my insecurities 24/7.... I don't think I want to??? I swear to god, if he shows the slightest interest, I will be back in there in a flash, but so far he seems indifferent so I'm just gonna leave it.

I will continue to daydream about him, probably, and that is a nice safe mental activity that I condone. Yay, self!

In other news: sometime last week I couldn't sleep and half past two I was starving so I ate some chips and hummus. A couple days later, my roommate was like, "Can u... not eat chips.... at 2:30 AM.... when I am sleeping??" and at first I wanted to be like, "Can u not come back from who knows where at 1 in the morning when I'M trying to sleep?!?!?!" but I didn't say that, mostly because that only happens on the weekend and because it doesn't wake me up anymore. I imagine the chips, though, must've been pretty loud, so I said, yeah, totally I will not do that anymore, and I had already decided I was in the wrong but the Pain from that interaction just persisted, bruise-like, in my whole body for the whole day. I felt it pulsing in my skin when I was trying to sleep.

I felt very battered this whole weekend, just beat up and torn apart by the world. I wrote quite a bit and I finished my Neuro homework early, which is at least nice, but I am pretty much definitely gonna fail my Chem midterm this week so Whatever!!!!

I went to the library to try and pick up "Good morning, Midnight" by Jean Rhys for my lit class, but they didn't have it so I'm probably going to have to buy it. :( But! On the bright side, I did get to go to the library and I looove the Rockefeller library! It's kind of ugly in the meat of it—the stacks are made of these eggshell-painted metal shelves that are really cramped and tall, and the walls are the same eggshell painted thick over what I think are concrete walls and there are these orangey wood desks and rolley chairs stuck in corners or at the ends of stacks and, wow, actually, the stacks are not very well-lit—they're very dark, especially towards the middle. Just, none of it looks very nice. I mean, the building itself is pretty, but I guess just not the stacks. I like the stacks the best, though, because there are like 3 floors of it (I didn't even know this until recently) and they are so biiiig and they have soo manyyyy bookks and it smells so good and I just wanna work in the library god damn it.

I spent a few minutes down there just wandering (the Rhys book wasn't available). I tried to find "As I Lay Dying," 'cause someone recommended I read that, but there were no copies available. Instead, the whole shelf area with Faulkner was mostly filled with books ABOUT Faulkner and the various things he has authored. That was how it was with T.S. Eliot and Hemingway, too, and probably a lot of other authors: books on books on books analyzing the writing and/or the writer. More books on analysis than there are actual copies of the literature.

Some more news: I am "breaking up" with Adrian. I don't know. I feel bad saying that, just because I've always told him that I want to be his friend forever and stuff, but at this point, I'm thinking that no longer being his close friend is probably the best thing for both of us. We have always had a very weird relationship, something blurred between close friendship and pre-romance, and I have never liked that. Plus, most of the time we've been friends, I have felt this deep-seated, violent hatred towards him parallel to a kind of stupid attachment to him. So. Yeah. So far, not so healthy. Meanwhile, Adrian... I have a lot of opinions on Adrian. One of them being that he is an Ungrateful Dumbass. But I also think Adrian is very lowkey manipulative.

Even if he doesn't realize it, he takes advantage of my weaknesses; my desire for closeness, to be loved, etc. etc. I think most of the time I resist pretty well, but he slips through the cracks sometimes and I just can't stand that. I can't stand the way he looks at me sometimes, like he's adoring or like he's hungry or just. I hate when he laughs into my body or when he presses himself close to me—it's romantic. Again, maybe he's not doing it on purpose, but he's drawn to me and sometimes I am not feeling great and I bask in that easy sort of attraction even though in the long-run I think Adrian is gross and I want him to go away. It has gotten to the point where I have been confused about how I feel about him before.

These are just theories, of course. Theories that his crush is fucking pervasive and has fucking repelled me from the start. He has told me I am "a dick" to him, but I don't know. I regret nothing. Adrian has never been particularly self-aware and sometimes I feel like me being blunt is the only thing I can do to keep him at arm's length.

Besides, others have corroborated that his crush is fucking... persistent. And annoying, even to other people. NO ONE LIKES HIS CRUSH ON ME BUT HE WON'T LET IT GO.

Ugh. Sorry. In the end, it doesn't matter. What matters is that my friendship with Adrian does not fulfill me enough to justify all the distress it causes. I don't want to fight with him anymore. And the only way I will not fight with him is if we're not... friends anymore.

One hang-up: I can't just not be friends with Adrian. I am kind of scared he will try to hold on. He is strange, animalistic. He can sense it when I pull away. He will text me excessively or just go out of his way to see me. It's bad. Also, pretty much all of my friends are friends with Adrian. And he's our ride everywhere. So it's kind of hard to just give him up.

So I've decided I'm just going to keep limited contact with him while at school, and when I go home, I will only hang out with him in groups and I will NOT under any circumstances get drunk with him. I don't want to make any more dumb decisions when it comes to him.

---
On Friday, I hung out with this girl I met at the Brain Bee last year. She goes to University of Rhode Island. It was kind of nice, she brought me to a very nice place and afterwards we watched Parks & Rec in my dorm, but it was also just so—painfully—awkward.

I get along pretty well with extroverts because they just kinda glide past my awkwardness, but this girl is awkward and shy too. We are not complementary people. Which sucks, 'cause she's so cute and nice. This is one of those times I wish I was a different person—someone who wasn't so awkward with people. But instead, I float around, unable to say normal things, always staring at stuff, always asking stupid questions like, "What kind of leaf would you be if you could be any leaf?" Ugh.

--
I know I already said this, but I've been feeling really shitty lately. I dunno what to do. Maybe it's just hormones. I don't know. Fuck. Okay. I guess I should go do my Calc hw.

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