A southern life
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2017-11-13 00:15:21 (UTC)


Maybe one day I'll send you this letter.
Dear W.E.B.,
First off I want to say this is not a letter to get you back or to mess with you. I also want to say I don't hate you. Yes, things did not end on a great note. This letter also isn't to say I'm sorry or me even accepting your apology. Accepting or making apologies is not a big deal. I feel as if everything that we said to each other on that day was meant to be said. I feel like we shouldn't even apologize and it's okay to not apologize because we were in love and you can't forgive someone for doing something while they were in love. You shouldn't even be sorry because you were in love, we were both in love. Love is love and you can't blame someone for loving.

This letter instead is to say thank you. Thank you for absolutely everything you have done for me. Thank you for loving me so gently and sweet. Thank you for breaking my heart and making me stronger. Most of all thank you for making me feel normal.
By normal I mean just that normal.
I was raped at a young age and I don't know if you know what that feels like or even how much it can damage a person. Physically and emotionally. I went through depression, I hated myself, I wanted to kill myself. I hated the world I hated everyone. I felt like my mind was fucked up, I felt fucked up, I felt like an outcast, I felt like a literal piece of shit. I thought that I was worth nothing, that my body was just a bag of bones to please a man. I thought that would be the only thing I would be good at....just sex. So I always thought that love was fake, it wasn't a real thing. Then somehow I just started getting kind of better not really just kind of. I didn't hate myself anymore, I just started not to care at all for myself. Instead of hating everyone I just said fuck everyone. I thought that if I was going to live on this shitty planet that I am going to do whatever I want however I wanted. So that meant that I was going take what I wanted. The result was that I ended up hurting people, really bad. I look back and I feel so terrible for doing those things and I wish I could apologize to them but that still wouldn't make things better. I was an awful person back then and I have to live with that. I was about to make the decision in my life where I just wouldn't have kids, I wouldn't get married, that I would just stay single forever. Not because I hated people but because I thought that I was too fucked up that I was such a terrible person that to stop hurting them or anyone else in the future I would just isolate myself. I thought that I was too fucked up to love anyone. I used to believe that love did exist but that I just didn't know how and I didn't want to keep hurting people so I was about to make the decision to just quit on it. Then I met you and I was scared out of my mind to love you but you made it seem so safe. So I opened my heart and I took the chance and it, so far, it has been the best decision of my life. You taught me to love, you showed me how wonderful it is to be taken care of, to share my body and mind with someone, willingly. You made WANT to have kids one day, you made me WANT to have a husband one day. These things, I have never thought of with anyone else or even at any time in my life. I didn't grow up imagining my wedding, I didn't grow up thinking about how many kids I'll have or what it would even be like to have a family. I started thinking all of that stuff only when you came into my life. I didn't realize it but I started to feel and become normal when I started dating you. I mean we almost got engaged and I didn't even realize how much of a normal life I was living until it all ended. When our relationship ended I was completely heartbroken. I mean I was shattered into a million pieces. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think straight, and I couldn't eat. Haha, you know how much I love eating and for me to NOT want to eat, is like wow. I actually got even more mad at you because I couldn't fucking eat. I was like that for a good week. I was sleepless and not hungry. Another week went by and I regained sleep. Then another went by and I regained my hunger. Then basically by the end of the month, I stopped crying and then I kind of laughed to myself. I don't remember what specific day it was but I laughed to myself because I was crying over a guy and you know how it goes "Don't cry over a guy! It's a guy! There's plenty of more fish in the sea!" or "it took 9 months for your mom to form your heart don't let a guy break it in seconds" haha. It was funny to me because I realized I was crying over a GUY (I mean you're a special guy, you're the first one I loved) but it was the first time I ever had "guy problems". Then this pressure lifted off my shoulders and head and I felt like I could breathe again. Then I started to remember "hey I used to be depressed? I used to hate everyone?" And" Was I really about to be almost engaged?! Wasn't I planning to NEVER get married and to NEVER have kids?" I felt happy because I realized that for the very first time in my life I felt normal. Thinking back I felt and lived a normal life for 2 years when I was with you. My heart was broken and I was crying over a guy, haha you don't know how happy I am that you broke my heart. For once I am not hating myself for once I don't hate the world for once I felt like I am not fucked up. I feel normal. That's one of the most common things in this life to get your heart broken and to fall in love and I did that. You don't know how thankful I am to feel normal. To feel like for once something is NOT wrong with me. To learn that I can love, to know that I can be a good person. Thank you. Thank you for making me love- love and showing how to love. Thank you for making me want a husband! Thank you for making me want a wedding! Thank you for making me want kids! Haha, I want kids now! I am so excited to have kids! I am so excited to have a family! I know that we didn't work out but you showed me how to love. So I am excited to love again and if it doesn't work out again then I'll just keep trying and trying because you showed what I am capable of and how beautiful love can be. It can also hurt haha but it's worth it. You really changed my life and I hope you keep trying and trying on love again too because you saved a life, my life. So don't stop because could be saving others too. You never know what someone is going through and you never know how much you could affect a person's life by just loving them. Your love made me feel normal. Feeling normal is the second greatest thing you gave to me. So the last letter I wrote to you was basically saying I'm sorry and thank you for loving me. This letter is simply saying thank you for making me feel normal and to never stop loving because you might save another life.
Thank you