Kill Switch

The Chaos Code
2017-11-12 12:17:32 (UTC)

Why Am I So Unproductive? Oh, Wait. . .I Know Exactly Why. . .

I absolutely failed today and yesterday. I got absolutely nothing done yesterday. I INTENDED to. . .but it didn't happen. I had a lot of schoolwork to catch up on for my anatomy and physiology class. Annnnnnnnd. . .I only did about 5 pages of work. I normally manage at least 30 pages a day, if not 40-50. So 5 pages of work within a 24 hour time frame is. . .discouraging.


This keeps happening, though! I wake up at odd hours when I have nothing to wake up for. I sleep until I wake up. If I don't take an Ambien, I don't sleep. If I take an Ambien or two, then I'm dead to the world for at least 5 hours. I combined valium and benadryl and Ambien last night at around...maybe 2am? It's fucking 11:20am right now and I had INTENDED to wake up and get one of my roommates up and go get coffee with her and then take her to work. But, no, that did not happen.

See, last night. . .we got into conversions for dosages in one of my classes. I'm not gonna be modest about my intellectual abilities. I'm fucking smart when it comes to scholastic things. All of them. . .except math. Not, like. . .science-oriented math. Nothing practical. Practical math makes SENSE. Tell me to solve for x just because they said so? No, I don't understand that. "The way to solve this problem just simply exists, Killian. Memorize the formula." "Why?" "Why what?" "Why is it applicable to the situation? What made it applicable? Why does this certain formula go to this equation? Why does-" "No. Stop. Just do the problem."

That has been math classes my whole damn life. J's mother teaches astrophysics to navy seals. J is a math whiz. J is a whiz at everything; he's a fucking literal genius. But. . .I have this stupid thing called dyscalculia. No one noticed because I was in all IB classes in high school EXCEPT for math and then ONE DAY, I actually failed a math class. Legit. . .got an F. Not even kidding. I have never gotten an F in my life. Never failed a class. Never. I forget which math class it was. I had to take a summer class to make up for it and fix my GPA and continue on track. It was ONLY THEN that they were like "Hmmm.....he tested into all these ridiculously high leveled classes and he's getting A's in every single one of them with no problem...yet, he just literally failed this on-level math class........That's odd." This was my junior year of high school, I think. I mean, really? Took them that long? Took ME that long? Then again, I wasn't even slightly self aware back then because depression was consuming me. I don't have that issue anymore.

Oh. ANYWAYS. . .we got to the conversion section. Where we have to learn the metric system and learn how to do body:ratio conversions on the spot. Like. . .weight breed species other factors=a certain dosage of medicine given. As a surgeon---an emergency surgeon nonetheless---I have to be able to do that in a split second. Factor everything all at once, call a command, and make it happen. And if I'm wrong. . .if I'm off by even half a cc. . .dear god, that could kill someone.

Oh, I'm meeting with a career counselor at the university I'm transferring to this Tuesday to see if I should switch to human medicine. There are certain things about veterinary medicine that. . .bother me. I watch surgical videos every chance I get. Both human and animal. The second I see an animal passed out from the anesthesia with their tongue hanging out like that, it freaks me out. I freak out seeing this poor creature helpless and at the mercy of....of ME. IT'S GOING TO ME. I WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING THIS ANIMAL SURVIVE. I /want/ that kinda pressure. . .but it freaks me out. Mostly because of my own dog. . .and how he has been my rock and support and my everything and the one thing constant that gives me happiness in my life. I could go on and on about my dog. My dog is my fuel to keep going in life. So when I see all these animals in these situations, my mind automatically goes to "Oh god, what if that were my dog..." And I panic. And I feel like if I'm having that issue just with the videos. . .Irl is going to be a lot fucking harder. Pretty much impossible. I guess I'd say improbable, but. . .I feel it's actually moreso borderlining impossible. Whereas, I don't have that issue with humans at all. Not to mention, slicing into human flesh and "playing" with blood and organs and all of that excites the hell out of me. It fuels me. It makes me want to fix all the things and learn ALL the things. But. . .animals. . .that just pulls at my heart strings. Human beings don't. Not to mention a human loss would affect me much less than an animal loss. And you have to deal with a lot of euthanasia in vet med, which is not a thing in human medicine. Usually.

Yes, the tech normally takes care of the euthanasia part. . .but there has to be a consult with the vet before the decision is made. And from all the vet documentaries and videos I've watched, they all get asked the same question when faced with the question of whether or not the owner should put the dog/cat down. They all ask "What would you do if it were yours?" I couldn't answer that. Ever. And it would make me unable to operate and do what I need to do to save this poor creature. Not to mention, I have to work up to that point of not having to actually do it myself and to have to just make the decision. I have to go through sooooooo many things I just do not want to be a part of, but HAVE to learn, in order to get to where I need to be. In both human and animal medicine. It's just that. . .there's a lot less pain and agony and mental torture for me in human medicine than there is in animals.

I guess some people would say that makes me incapable of being any kind of doctor. But, like my mother (who has been a charge nurse for over 50 years now) says, you have to be Klingon about it. I guess if you're not a trekkie, you won't understand that. But. . .it makes a lot of sense. She said that's how she got through med school. . .pretending she was a Klingon every time they had to cut open a cadaver.

Anyways, back up. . .so we got to conversions yesterday. And my brain just kinda flatlined there. I saw all the metric conversions I have to memorize (which I can do with time) and all the abbreviations for things, which are both in advanced medical abbreviations and ancient Latin ones (the fuck???) and I just....panicked and shut down. I literally put my pen down, closed my notebook, closed my laptop and grabbed my vape and went outside and vaped. When confronted with raw numbers. . .my brain shuts the fuck down. And I immediately thought "Well. This is it. I can't achieve my dream. I can't do anything with my life. Nothing useful, at least." I'm not good at anything practical in life! I have no domestic skills, no common sense, no.......I have NOTHING that is applicable to the real world. All of my strengths are in schooling and learning. But when it comes to applying all the things I learn and definitely, without-a-doubt know. . .I freeze. And that's the end of that. If I don't go through years of training to get to a point before I get thrown into the world of it. . .I'm going to fail.

I am a kinesthetic learner, like my mother is. But. . .it scares me because she practically failed med school but when she got on the floor and got to experience the reality of it, she thrived and became charge nurse as soon as possible and the person who was head of their class dropped out and didn't make it. I'm worried I'm going to be that latter person. . .the one who is top of their class, but can't do anything in the real world. However, the fact I AM a kinesthetic learner makes me have hope. I mean, I can learn anything in any way presented. But. . .when it comes to actually being able to apply my knowledge, I need hands-on training. EXTREMELY hands-on training. So........maybe I'll make it when I transfer from tech classes to pre-med? Which I am doing. I'm getting out of my tech classes and switching to straight pre-med, which is what I have been advised to do by several professionals. However. . .I am meeting that career counselor on Tuesday, so that will make the final decision.

I WAS trying to be practical (which I have never been good at) and deciding to just take the two years to get my Tech license and practice medicine as a Tech and get paid and experience that way while starting pre-med immediately after. Buuuuuuut.........apparently that's not practical at all when you have my final goal in mind.

I'm confused. I'm just straight up fucking confused.

Oh, like I was saying at the very beginning, I never get fucking anything done anymore because I end up meeting friends OR MY FUCKING ROOMMATES at the coffee shop in the morning. Yesterday, I stood in line behind MY ROOMMATE for a good, solid 5 fucking minutes and NEITHER OF US noticed until he spoke to order his coffee. I was like "J!? THAT YOU!?" He whips around and is like "K...Killian?????? When?? How? What???" Then we ended up snagging a table outside and sitting down and chatting for a bit about some things....and then he's like "Oh [our friends name] is coming here in a sec. Stick around." I was just about to go home and start on schoolwork.....our friend shows up.

And then dogs happened. We saw a pomeranian/corgi mix, a husky, a shiba inu, and a pit bull. All puppies. Our friend is a dog groomer and aspires to become a tech student. So both him and I like.....Shot out of our seats and ran to these dogs to get information from the owners about them and see if they were allowed to pet them after the sniff process. Not just those four...but every single goddamn dog we saw. I actually started a fucking blog dedicated to the dogs I see on my walk to get coffee every morning. Not even kidding. Lmao.

And then I was like "Okay, well I'm gonna go walk to walgreens and get some more notecards and use my phone as a computer until it dies so I can actually be productive while I'm chilling with you guys here for the next few hours." I got up...then stopped... and turned to them and was like "Do either of you have a laptop carrying case that you don't want? I need one." Coz...taking my laptop and general school supplies to the coffee shop every morning is a feat when you have nothing to carry them in. They both shook their heads. But then they were like OH! BUT! WE HAVE BEEN MEANING TO GO TO GOODWILL TO GET SOME HIGH HEELS FOR THIS SHOW WE'RE GOING TO! I was like "Oh wait that's perfect actually coz I need a blazer to go with the dress top I got from H&M the other day."

SO THEN we go to Goodwill. I find everything I need, meet up with them....they're both in the shoe department trying on all the fucking pumps and high heels they can find. I merely sat down on the mini trampoline beside this section, put all my stuff down, and watched. And then 2 hours of them trying on heels passed. And I was like "Okay. J...O...We need to go. Like, now. You guys know I hate shopping." And J is like "Yeah, y'know, O. . .I've actually reached my shopping limit." So our friend O just looks at him...and then turns to me and goes back to trying on heels. And we both stare at him like "No. O. Seriously. We need to fucking go. We are both exhausted and have things to do." And O is a dom (I'm sure most of you reading this are vanilla and won't understand this) and J is a sub so J fucking safeworded him right there. And O turns to him and smiles and is like "Good. I pissed you off. That was my goal. Now, come. We're paying." Motions for both of us to follow while he struts to the front with these extremely high pumps.

J and I, both being subs, are like "........Yes, sir." And follow.

FINALLY, we walk back........and I make the dog blog. . .and then I start on schoolwork. . .J and O need me to give them rides to work and home consecutively because I'm the only one with a car and ubers are expensive AF in NOLA. Especially when J works in the French Quarter. Oh boy. So. ..I drive them to their designated drop off spots. O orders me to get food for him. I comply. I get home....and I'm fucking exhausted at this point and it's like 6pm at this point. My OTHER roommate texts me "Just missed the streetcar. Can you come get me?" I just stared at the immense amount of medical shorthand on my screen...then at my vape and car keys and jacket....and then back to my screen....and texted her "Yeah, be there in a sec."

Lmao. So I mean...yeah, then when I got home, I got through a few more pages and hit the conversion section and noped the fuck outta there. And now it's Sunday and I haven't gotten coffee yet and it's NOW NOON. FUCK ME.

I need to go get coffee and some fresh fruit and fucking come back home and really, seriously get to work on this stuff. Jesus christ. I need to do the thing......I do not want to do the thing. I want to just take a day and play Skyrim all day.

But, no, that is not going to happen..........So. I guess I'm off to go get coffee and take pictures of dogs for my blog.

Okay, yeah, I needa do that.




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