My Letter To The World
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2017-11-11 07:24:52 (UTC)

Anger with no where to run

Mood: Exhausted
Song: Waves By Dean Lewis
Color: Light Green

I got very angry today this evening, Initially over something that was annoying and inconvenient but it made me feel so over the top irrationally angry...an anger i don't know what to do with....
An anger i rarely feel....because it wasn't an anger mixed with sadness, caused by a situation where i got hurt or betrayed by someone....which i am very familiar with....it was just raw anger, there was nothing in me that was sorry for feeling angry, there was nothing in me that wanted to censor or hold back.
I didn't even want to scream or yell or punch something, didn't want to slam doors or throw things.... (not that i typically do those things when i'm angry...i don't) but i think about when i'm angry....but this anger skipped over those petty levels of hot tempered shows of anger.
This felt deep, and overwhelming.
i sat in the darkness, with my head in my hand, with almost a static sound in my ears like a roaring.... and my heart pounding in my head... my eyes squeezed shut.... one hand balled into a fist.....silence trying to calm down, trying to make sense of this irrational anger boiled up in me that started with just a stupid annoyance which grew into me feeling like something was seriously wrong with me.

Usually when i get angry enough i cry, not because i'm sad or upset but because it just happens....there were no tears this time.
I did eventually calm down, it felt almost like coming out of a trance.... and i was left with a killer headache and many questions as to what the heck caused that reaction and if i should be worried about my anger....if it might be an issue for me.
Contrary to popular belief i don't live in a constant state of anger but when i do get angry it's like a storm, it builds from the initial spark of trouble, it gets worse before it gets better, my dad said to me when i called my anger like a storm his flippant response was "well let it pass"
hahah that pissed me off more.....
Because you don't say to a hurricane, tornado, Lightning, rain, wind, hail, "oh just pass" no.... you respect the danger of those things and take your precautions to avoid them safely..... they don't just go away because you say they should and that's how i felt about my anger in that moment, that him saying let it pass didn't make that happen....and in fact made it worse. But him saying let it pass was one saying "let it go" as in nothing i was feeling was valid, but saying in a way that fit with my storm metaphor making it seem like a pun or a joke even farther disreguarding it....to walk off and farther ignore the situation and issue which was bothering me when he freaking asked me what was going on, why ask if you aren't even intending to really listen???? freaking pissed me off so much.

I don't like feeling angry, i don't like feeling out of control, i don't like coming out of it and having to worry about what i might say or do if/When i get that angry again.....and speaking of which, i think it's stored up anger.....like there are several things lately that have made me angry that i've been ignoring or trying to and i think when i snapped from something small it all came rushing to the surface.
Good lord.....
i felt all that anger and i couldn't do anything with it, not physical action would have made that better and if i could have separated myself from that anger i would have in a heartbeat but unfortunately you can't escape your own mine and emotions.
I've seen glimpses of this anger in myself only a few times....i think anger mixed with any emotion is easier to deal with than just raw anger, like anger with sadness, crying is a natural response, anger mixed with justification, it's natural to fight back against what ever is happening to you, but just anger....is pure and raw anger ever justified? and what is the natural response to it?
You might say the hot tempered fits of anger that are so commonly seen....but i don't think that is the response.... but the problem with that is that i don't know what the response is, and i don't know how to deal with my own anger... i do not have a safe place for my anger.... i'm not sure a safe place exists for anger.
All i know is that it has to run it's course and that for me it doesn't pass it lingers and lasts until i feel nothing but emptiness inside and then it's like my emotions come back or rather overpower the anger(cause it's not like they actually went away) the first to return is fear, Fear of anger, fear of my actions, thoughts and feelings, then compassion and empathy and love and sadness, and everything else... and i feel like i'm me again but that, that anger was also me, and that is something i never want to be.
something to avoid, something to hide, something to run from...because if i feel that anger, i could do things that are unspeakable and if i did things that are unspeakable than i wouldn't be the person that i think i am.

to avoid outbursts like this(even if i didn't let it manifest in a physical violence)
i would have to work through the things that are making me angry and to do that i would have to think about them, face them, and that will be painful and just the thing i have been avoiding.
I am not afraid of confrontation, i'm not intimidated by other people's words or actions, i am not afraid to speak up when i know it's right.... but it seems i am afraid of my own anger and what i might be capable of....weather that be mentally, Physically, spiritually or emotionally.

Peace (which passes understanding)