Bluebell

The other side of the coin
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2017-11-08 12:26:42 (UTC)

Day by day

Good morning!

The house feels empty and at this moment I am feeling once again lonely. It is part of my life now to feel like this. Now, I realize that I don't like to feel alone but I enjoy the silence and the piece I have when I am alone.

I have done some housework... Actually, I am still doing some laundry... Sometimes I don't feel annoyed with the housework because then I get busy. Today it helped me to get through the beginning of the day. I still find strange having my brother here at home considering we were not so close. But he is not bothering me at all. We are very different. He says it is good for me not to have my parents around as I had before. The truth is that I am always going out with them. So, how to miss them if we are always together.

Yesterday, we went to the supermarket all together... My parents didn't fight. Last weekend, they were arguing with each other. I like to be with them as they are family and also think that if I didn't see them I was going to get a bit depressed because they are my real company. I don't have close friends. Welcome to my world. I have a lonely life. I am being dramatic because then I have my daughter with me that I love so much. She was a bit stressed yesterday because she had a lot of assignments to handle to the teachers.

I miss my husband. It is good to chat with him on the camera but I miss having him here with me. I haven't spoken with him today. I guess that makes a difference... I like to be in touch. I think he is happier in England than he was in Brazil.

My brother said that I need to build my confidence again. I know that and he didn't need to tell me such thing. I am still driving and believe me that is something I value because I usually get a bit fed up of that as drivers here are so aggressive.

I miss working and studying as I did in the post graduate course that I didn't finish because I was too ill to complete the last discipline and to write the monograph. Something I will always regret... But in the end I forgave myself because now I know I have a condition, an illness that it is not up to me to decide it. It happened and health you don't chose it.

My future is so unforeseen that I don't plan it I just live it day by day. My highlight of the day yesterday was the coffee and snacks I had at the supermarket cafeteria. I just loved them. I love to be able to sit down and have a hot coffee. It is so different from the one I have at home. The flavour is amazing. But as I was writing, I cannot plan anything because my husband needs to retire first and just then we will be able to decide if we stay here in Brazil or if we save in order to go to England. Right now, I am not so sure I would like to return to England but it is something I always thought about.

I think I should mention something... I have this diary here because it is kind of a therapy for me. Also, I have only one nice friend that I really keep in touch... Mainly because of that I leave it open to the public. My life is not that interesting at the moment. So, It is nice because once in a while we exchange thoughts. But mentioning my life again, my routine is pretty boring... a housewife's routine. My life was different before my daughter was born... But I don't regret it because she is my world... I don't expect a lot for the future but I would like to get a part-time job if I get the chance. Anyway, this is about future. While it doesn't come I live my day concentrating in keeping myself not so depressed and healthy as much as I can, indeed a normal person. I should be proud of that.

Well, I have to go back to my housework and this afternoon I am going to prepare a hot dog, well a Brazilian hot dog... Also, I must prepare and cook lunch so I should keep myself busy.

Good energy to all of us!

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