Anastasia Romanov

Words Fail In A Crowd Of Thousands
2017-11-08 05:04:21 (UTC)

Never Happy

Well my depression and anxiety haven't been acting up too much within the past couple days. But I guess that's how mental illnesses are? Some days you seem fine but then they sneak up on you. I guess the "good" days are just me waiting for when my next breakdown will be.

Today Roilea our undergraduate lab assistant came over to our bench in lab and none of us talked (personally I was busy with my dilutions so I didn't care to make conversation) and she was like "Wow you guys are awkward" and left. It was really rude and I feel like my anxiety will not let me forget it for weeks.

The other day we went to mass at a different church and I wasn't sure if we were going to go to the back after communion because when we go to this church that's usually what we do but my sister didn't specify so when we were lining up to go to communion I looked at my sister and asked where to go and she said to go back to the seats. Later on she told me that I looked so panicked when I asked her. I couldn't tell her that's because of my anxiety that I need constant reassurance. If she or my brother knew they'd hate me. They'd think I'm so much more annoying. Neither of them are sensitive people so they would think it's so inconvenient to give me constant reassurance or they'd think they have to baby me by explaining everything all the time and I'd just become even more of a nuisance. This is one of the reasons why I genuinely feel like I would be better off dead. They would be better off if I was dead. Everyone would.

Today Tim made me feel horrible again. I want to become a P.A. and whenever he gets the chance he likes to tell people that I want to be the doctor's bitch. He said being a P.A. is like the community college of the medical field. 1) community college isn't even bad. There's this stereotype that everyone who goes there is stupid and it's really inaccurate but of course he wouldn't know that. 2) it's extremely rude and disrespectful to shit on someone else's career aspirations and he doesn't seem to get that. 3) he thinks he's so entitled just because he wants to be a doctor. he thinks he's smarter and better than everyone else. He always always always makes me feel so stupid. I already feel bad enough on my own and he's so toxic that he just amplifies the self hate I have. Being friends with him is not healthy for me and I know it. I need to cut him off but I don't know how because I see him every second of every day. We have every single class together and have already established a friend group so it would be hard to get away from him. And I can't just make new friends so easily. I wish I had the courage to stand up to him and give him a piece of my mind. For some reason whenever someone puts me down I just completely shut down and take shit from them. I don't know how to defend myself. I am so tired of not being happy with my friend group. I miss my friends from my old high school. But whenever I would hang out with them before everyone left for college, I noticed that I've spent so much time apart from them that I'm no longer in on what's happening in their lives with people and I'm not part of their inside jokes and I've just grown apart from them...
My freshman year of high school I had one friend because I never saw all my other friends. It was horrible. That was one of the main reasons I moved schools. I wasn't happy so I said you know what, this other school will give me better education opportunities so why not. But I moved in the middle of my sophomore year and by then I had a great group of friends that I loved and felt so good around. Then I lost it all. At my new school I made a few friends but I never felt what I felt with my old friends. I never felt like I could fully be myself. Now that I'm here in college, I don't feel like I could be myself with my new friends and now I have someone in my friend group that is so incredibly toxic. I am terrible at making friends. I wish it was as easy as filling out a survey of what our interests are and boom if we match then we're friends.
I feel like never being fully satisfied with who my friends are has definitely contributed to my depression. But also maybe because my depression makes me have a negative outlook on everything that could be a reason why I'm never happy with anything.
I never ended up liking the high school that I moved to. In fact, to this day I still absolutely hate it. When I first started college I was so unhappy. It was only week 2 and I was already considering transferring. I mean still, I'm not happy being here but I think that's just my depression. I'm so sick of this feeling of never being happy and thinking that I'd be happier somewhere else with other people.
Something is seriously wrong with me.




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