My Letter To The World
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2017-11-07 21:54:12 (UTC)

Rough, Restless, Resolving

Mood: weird.
Song: Hiding my heart by Adele
Color: Light orange

Last night was one of those nights that make you so freaking glad that morning finally came.
It was terrible and i tossed and turned all night, would doze off and have a bad dream and wake up feeling freaked out and just like everything was messed up and wrong, and my back was also really hurting me.
I think i only probably got an hour or two of sleep last night and it was spread out in little dozes.
i did finally get a couple of hours this morning after the sun rose...
so while i was trying to fall asleep my mind went to all these disturbing thoughts and places that i shouldn't have been, and usually i can shut down those thoughts but last night it was almost like i couldn't control my own mind which wasn't comforting.
and idk everything in my room seemed to be bothering me, like it was too light and i couldn't get my blinds the way i wanted them ect.
it was around 6 something when i got up took something for the pain in my back and i watched the sunrise and dozed off sometime after that until like 8: 30.

I hate feeling like that...being in like an in between place of asleep and awake.
I hate thinking scary and disturbing things right before i try to fall asleep...
I hate nightmares, which this will be the third night in a row where i had them.

I am not a morning person....but today i was so so so so thankful for the sunrise, for the night to be done, for a new day, it brought so much comfort to me...like i made it through and the next night will not be the same.
i don't know why last night was so bad....but it was goodness...... i can't even describe this properly...like i still feel out of it and slightly disturbed.
it's like being wide awake in insomnia but also like not completely aware like your in a fog all at the same time, with nightmares, pain, disturbing thoughts, and just restlessness and irritation at everything.

i think the dreams of the last three days are my subconscious trying to work through some things i've been repressing i mean i know that some of them are just by what they are....but it's like...i don't want to think about this stuff during the day and so i certainly don't want to dream about it at night.
i feel very on edge.
But i'm hoping that i start to feel more peaceful soon.... i mean sheesh....that was last night and all the anxiety seems to be hanging on and just keeps going.