Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2017-10-28 02:28:20 (UTC)

Black Comedy Please

One of my favorite songs by Barenaked Ladies


"How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt."

I once went to a surprise party and surprise, it was a wake! Yes, that really happened to me and it is darkly funny even though I really miss that guy. I wished I would have spoken at the wake, I would have been the only one not to call him an a**hole. It really drove home how I will not ever allow my extended family at my funeral. I don't want to have to listen to their backhanded comments or apparently even worse in my afterlife.

I want to say I am not a fan of surprises at funerals which is why I don't attend any for my extended family. Because I don't like white supremacy, abortion related relatives ( Yeah so there is a person now newly back in our family who was we all thought was aborted as a fetus and their sudden adult existence had to be explained at a funeral) , and I don't give a fig about who I should now love because they have money. Let me be clear, funerals are supposed to be about celebrating the recently deceased life, not sh*t better found in a soap opera. They are not a last chance to insult the dearly departed nor should they ever be shrouded in weird religious and neo-Nazi overtones. It is not the place where you should tell me about your consensual adult incestuous sex life. I don't want to hear what you do for men or to men to empower yourself nor how much money you make selling plastic sex toys. I don't want to hear some cockimany pretend science about staring into the sun nor sugary sodas being liquid carcinogens. Fluoride is not a drinking water poison, oils may have anointed God but He didn't order them off some pyramid scheme and truly I don't believe anything my family says at funerals other than they hated their flights in.

I have some forty odd reasons to be cynical given the nearly 20 odd years I have had to consider just how crazy my family is compared to me, the one they stuck in therapy. And then there is the aliens. And that is why the holidays with them will always be both darkly funny and f*cking unbearable. Every year I wish for National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation family. They seem so normal. They have asked me again why I don't come and visit. Sometimes I tell them it is because I can't stand Veganism, not entirely true, but it is the nicest thing I could say. I mean I don't want to insult their views on aliens screwing monkeys being the true version of evolution. Nor do I want to have to repeat that prostitution is against the law even when you think it empowers you. Or have to explain it is not okay to indulge in incest as adults because well my god if you have to explain that...

I laugh because I have always understood black comedy, thanks to them. It is just strange to me that anyone in my family wants a thank you for not aborting me. Um, weird thing to top Christmas off with, but uh thank you? So you understand why I will never drink around them; I heard and was personally told all the above by them when they and I were both sober. I just don't think I want to know whatever they are holding back from me, ever, please. Merry Christmas and I don't do funerals.




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