Kill Switch

The Chaos Code
2017-10-26 08:43:31 (UTC)

We Have The Kindest Neighbour...Holy Fuck, I Love Her!

The weather is so goddamn nice out. I'm definitely going to be on the porch. I have been on the porch for days now because the weather is so nice and I will be damned if I fucking miss a SECOND of this nice, cool weather! It makes me RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY!!! But, like, okay so. . .on our house's front porch, we don't have anything there but stairs and like...floor area. So I usually bring my huge pillow out there and a blanket and sit on the floor with my laptop and curl up in fluffy blankets. But like...so our neighbour comes home, right? We live in a shotgun style house (we're in New Orleans in mid-city so that's a given) and our house is a half-and-half with another house. In other words, one half of the house is ours. . .and there's one long, huge wall between us. . .and they live on the other side. It's one large house that is connected...but split down the middle into two separate houses. If that makes sense. But the porch itself is one big porch. They do have a fence between our porch and theirs. . .but they have these nice wicker rocking chairs and a glass table on their porch.

So this mom and her two little kids come home to check on the house (coz her boyfriend owns/rents it *idk which* and he is on vacation or a business trip or something *again, idk which*, so she and the kids stop by everyday to check on the house and such) and she sees me sitting on the ground on the porch. She's like...eyeing me the whole time. And she dresses really...uppity. Like. . .she dresses like your stereotypical rich, white soccer mom. Y'know? So I'm assuming she's staring at me and judging me and mentally thinking "I hope this boy doesn't get anywhere near my kids...He looks dangerous...". Like, that's what I was imagining.

But then...she loads her kids in the car, puts all her stuff in and then closes the door and walks over to my side of the porch. And she says to me "I don't want to assume anything and whatnot. . .but I have this warm biscuit here that I'm going to throw away since none of us want it. . .and I was wondering if you wanted it." Which. . .she's not wrong that I and my roommates are all poor af. . .but I felt the offer was sweet as hell anyways. It made me smile. I politely turned her down, though. Saying we had food in the house, but thank you so much. She smiles and throws the biscuit away and takes the garbage to the end of our combined driveway. And when she's walking back, she's about to get in her car when she runs over to me again and goes "If you and your roommates ever need help with groceries, you let me know. I will help you guys out, okay?" She was SO CONCERNED. AND GOD IT REALLY TOUCHED MY HEART. But then...THEN...she actually comes around the railing and walks up the stairs and comes next to me and kneels down to my level and says to me "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but...you really should eat something, dear. You look so malnourished and I want to help in any way that I can." Which, I logically know I'm underweight. . .but I always feel fucking obese. So I try not to eat. I try very hard not to. But, I wouldn't call it an eating disorder despite the fact I have been diagnosed with anorexia...but I won't call it that because I am male. And boys...well, boys like me...we can't get ED's. Y'know? That's just not a thing in male culture. I guess...Idk. I mean, yes, boys can get anything that girls have, mental-disorder-wise. But for me, personally. . .I just don't feel it's possible for me, as a male, to have an ED. So. . .I ignore the fact that I purposefully starve myself for days at a time and have sent myself into hypoglycemic shock too many times to count and have had to be hospitalized for dehydration and undernourishment along with being dangerously underweight. So. . .I mean, I get where she's coming from with this. Coz, to be honest, I look like a starved drug addict. Let's be real here. I have bleach blonde hair with VERY faint, subtle pink, blue, and purple pastel streaks on top. My hair is layered af and razored and is always super messy because I don't have the energy to do anything with it so it always looks ruffled and like I just got out of bed even when I try to do things with it. Which. . .that's okay. But then. . .all my bones stick out. Which, i personally love. It satisfies me. But I have been told it freaks other people out. I wear the weirdest fucking clothing. Like...shorts, ankle-high boots, and a huge pea coat is what I was wearing when I talked to/met her. Lololol. I just wear whatever the hell I feel like and whatever is comfortable. I haven't exactly shaved in a couple of days. . .which, I'm normally very anal about that. . .Coz I like to be clean shaven. But I just haven't had the energy so I have a little tiny bit of scruff. My facial hair is really light coz I'm a natural light blonde (close to white) and my facial hair doesn't grow fast, so. . .i mean, it's barely noticeable. I usually only shave every other day anyways and there's barely anything to shave. BUT. . .still, it was there when I met her and she probably noticed. I have some crazy dark, dark, DARK circles under my eyes and generally around my eyes coz I just...haven't been sleeping. Ever. in the right lighting or at the right angle, I look like I have two black eyes, tbh. I have scars all over my wrist from self inflicted cuts. . .including one long, deep, raised white scar right down the middle of each arm from when I sliced my wrists open in an attempt to force myself to bleed out. . .and ended up having to get stitches. The rest of my cuts are all just like...inch long or less raised white marks. Basically all over my arms. And I do have a few scars on my neck from where I have tried to slit my throat open in the past. And on top of that.............I have track marks, still. They're no where NEAR as bad as they used to be. . .but my veins are still blown and easily noticeable. And my AC's are still bruised up from shooting up. Yes, I was wearing a big pea coat, but I had the sleeves rolled up almost to my elbow coz the sleeves were getting in the way of me taking notes legibly, which LEGIBILITY IS VEEEEEEEERY IMPORTANT IN A MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY AND ANATOMY&PHYSIOLOGY CLASS!!! Lololol. And I didn't even notice that my cuts and track marks were showing along with everything else. And since I was wearing shorts, the cuts on my thighs and inner thighs were all quite noticeable...I probably look like a fucking nightmare. I was also smoking my vape...and holding clear pages showing different layers of the human body up to the sun to look at what was what. Coz my mom gave me her old anatomy book to look through to help with my studies coz it has like...8 layered clear pictures....with different layers of the body and all the organs and systems and cavities and membranes and such which is really cool. So I was like...holding up a picture of a body with all the organs and blood and muscles and stuff on it on one side and the other side. SO I MEAN I'M SURE EVERYTHING I WAS DOING AND HOW I LOOKED MUST HAVE LOOKED TERRIFYING!!! But. . .she didn't look away. She didn't seem to fear me. She approached me very easily. And she even laid a hand on my shoulder when she looked into my eyes and told me I needed to eat something.

Then she asked me, while still kneeled next to me, if she bought something (like a hot meal of my choosing) for me to eat if I would eat it. She even said "None of that fast food stuff. You need some meat on those bones. Let me go to a restaurant and bring you back a full course meal." I was like....shocked. I was like "But you have your kids in the car and I mean, I don't want you spending money on me and I don't need anyone's help because I'm trying to become autonomous and I'm VERY thankful for the offer, but I just...I found it kind of insulting a bit? She's assuming I'm poor, obviously. AND I AM. I MEAN, I REALLY AM. I only get a little under 600 dollars to live on per month...which is barely enough to survive with all my obligations/responsibilities...But she also must be assuming that I'm starving and malnourished and underweight BECAUSE I'm poor. Which...that's not it. I'm doing it on purpose. Because skinny and protruding bones (on me) is what beauty is. It's what I find most comfortable on myself. if I put on any weight, it really freaks me the fuck out and I will purge WHILE starving myself. Force myself to throw up whatever I possibly can while not having much, if any, food in my stomach. I just...have a REALLY hard time eating. It...takes a lot for me to have an actual meal. Normally, if I'm hungry and not adamantly trying to starve myself for the day. . .I will just snack a little bit. Like. . .dried mango slices or fruits in general...or a smoothie...or something yummy like that (I'm vegetarian, slowly going back to veganism so no meat and I try to make it a point to avoid dairy). I don't eat a MEAL. I haven't eaten a plate full of food. . .like a REAL meal in........wow, I mean...maybe 6 months? Maybe longer than that. Fuck.

But anyways, she's like pleading with me to get me something. But, again, I politely decline because I just. . .a) don't want this compete stranger spending money on me, b) cannot force myself to eat, c) do not want to eat because I'm fucking fat and should not, and d) would feel completely guilty. Not to mention, she had kids in the car! What was she gonna do...go get me food and come back and give it to me and then go to her destination all with her young, probably impatient, confused kids??? I really did decline. She gave me that look of like "...I really don't wanna leave you here like this, but you're giving me no choice. I want to take care of you and make sure you're okay." sort of look. The "You really should accept, but I don't know you well enough to push this on you." sort of look. Y'know?? Idk.

But she does squeeze my shoulder and glance down at my cuts and track marks and looks back up at me, looks back at the car to make sure her children aren't watching (I think) and then she lightly grabs my wrists and squeezes gently like she squeezed my shoulder for reassurance. And she whispered to me "Please don't hurt yourself anymore." I was fucking baffled. Coz I was having a breakdown when she first saw me. I was silently crying. I had hoped she wouldn't notice, but since we were in such close proximity when she first got here (with our porches being connected an whatnot). So...she definitely did notice I was crying and shaking, no matter how well I was hiding it behind my hood, my blanket, my glasses, my hair, my hands, my posture, etc etc etc...I'm normally pretty good at hiding things, coz...y'know, "boys shouldn't express emotions!1! it makes you WeAk!!!1!1!". Amirite? Lolol. If you're a guy, I am 200% sure you have heard someone say that to you AT LEAST once in your life.

But anyways...after she squeezed my wrists and whispered that encouragement to me, she nodded and told me to have a good day and went to drive off with her kids. I guess she had forgotten that she had rolled the big garbage bin to the end of the driveway and slightly in front of her blind spot on her car. So she backed right into it (no damage or anything coz she was backing out super slowly) and I immediately got up and literally leaped over the steps without even touching down on them and bounded down the short driveway and grabbed it and got it out of the way for her (mind you, these garbage bins are bigger and taller than I am...so that was a feat for me, but I wanted to help someone who was that kind to me, y'know?) And she smiled big and said thank you out the window while I was doing it. But then I was standing by the trash bin and directing her to back up with my hands to make sure she knew she was in the clear. Gave her a thumbs up when she was clear. Then she stopped with the window open right next to me and leaned over across the seat.

Then she was like "Listen, sweetie. You should use our porch chairs and table. Really. My boyfriend won't be home for another 7 days, at least. So please. . .use our porch furniture. I don't want to see you out here on the hard, cold cement floor anymore, okay?" And I almost just fucking broke down crying because this lady was being SO goddamn genuinely nice. All I could do was nod and whisper thank you to her....coz she had basically just turned my negative breakdown into a positive breakdown. If that makes sense.

And I realized I had totally been a judgmental asshole and judged her by her looks. I like to think I'm not judgmental...but I guess, initially, I really am. I think the thoughts...they come right to me all the time. The judgmental ones. Me being a fucking dick. But I change them when I think them. I think to myself "What the actual FUCK, Killian! Why would you think that about someone?? Oh my god. What is wrong with you? This person is probably great and look what you're fucking assuming, you asshole!!!" Then I change my thinking to look and focus on the positive traits of said person. But. . .I didn't with this lady.

My first impression was "This rich, white, soccer mom is gonna be a stuck-up, materialistic, judgmental cunt, isn't she? She's going to get onto me for being on the porch outside near her house. . .for talking on the phone. . .for smoking my 0% blue raspberry lemonade vape...for...ANYTHING? FOR THE WAY I LOOK??? FOR STUDYING ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY AND INVASIVE MEDICAL THINGS OUT IN THE OPEN??? iDK WHAT I WAS THINKiNG EXACTLY but I was definitely being a total judgmental asshole about it. Judging the book by its cover.

But no. . .she turned out to be the absolute sweetest, most wonderful, generous person I have met in a REAAAAAAAAAAAALLY long time. Holy fuck. I can't believe how much of a fucking dick I was in my mind about this wonderful human being. Judging her coz she looked like the stereotypical uppity white lady. Man, I hate my mind sometimes. Lolol. I need to learn to not be such a dick when I see the typical rich white person persona. Automatically makes me think of baby boomers and Trump supporters. Ugggggh.

But anyways. . .I did end up going over to their porch and chilling on their rocking chairs and using their glass table and it was SO FUCKING NICE coz usually I have to balance my laptop in my lap...and my school notebook on my knee. And have my anatomy book on my other knee. So it's really fucking difficult....but this makes things a lot easier for me (and a LOT more comfortable).

I met another REALLY KIND, GENEROUS, WONDERFUL older lady yesterday, too. We talked for a good hour. It was nice. But that's a story for another time.

WELL I WASSSSSSSSSS GOING TO WATCH GREY'S ANATOMY, BUT IT'S ALREADY TIME TO GET READY. THE FUCK??? Guess I will uh...go do that. Lololol.




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