Kill Switch

The Chaos Code
2017-10-21 20:21:58 (UTC)

I'm Complaining Like A Little Bitch. Shhh.

I am getting over 100 pills on Monday. Mostly benzos and a handful of pain killers. I'm fucking psyched. I cannot even TELL YOU how psyched I am. Idk if I've mentioned this yet, but I seriously cannot stop thinking about it. FUCK.


I'm so goddamn ready. I've been (mostly) sober for....over a month now, yeah? What the actual fuck.

In other news, I'm being thrown into anatomy&physiology/biology classes like...being thrown to the fucking wolves. My professors are all "Most pre-med students switch their major after the beginning of this class, but DON'T WORRY! WE ARE GONNA TAKE IT SLOW!" And then. . .they proceed to throw 15 pages of diagrams at me with little to no explanation until much later. Like, okay, thanks??? Fuck, bruh. I mean, yeah, I will get it eventually, but it's gonna be more time-consuming than I imagined. Ugh. I imagined it to be time-consuming in general, but the way they're presenting the information is just. . .wow. Calm down, satan. Lololol.

My roommates have been fighting off and on and I've just been like HAHA NOPE BYEEEEEEE but then texting them when I'm far away being like "Hey. You need to talk? I'm here for you." Like. . .I AM there for them, it's just. . .like, damn, fam. . .Meet me on neutral ground, pls, and then I can help all of you talk things out. Don't just throw me in the middle of a metaphorical cat fight.

Lots of screaming, slamming doors, crying. . .I mean, all from the one girl in the house. The rest of us are like "...." Not that I don't get like that sometimes, but I am usually pretty good at not expressing it around other people. I'm damn good at hiding things, but only when I want to. Whereas, the one girl in the house is most definitely NOT good at hiding ANYTHING. She is just a super emotional creature and, I mean, that's kind of healthy in a way, but she's way over-the-top about it. She's gotten better. . .I would know, she is my ex-girlfriend and we lived together for a long time way before we even met the people we live with now. And she used to be super physically abusive to me. She's not physically abusive to anyone here now, though, and she restrains herself with me because I am medicated and non-manipulative now. So I am GENUINELY trying to help now and apologizing when I'm wrong instead of just making her feel crazy for me being wrong and not actually admitting it. And I think she sees that. She sees that I am medicated, stable, and genuinely trying. . .so she's attempting to match my trying. I think. Coz albeit she was super bitchy to me yesterday while I was trying to help, she calmed down and later apologized for being bitchy/snappy. I mean. . .we're getting there, I guess. But she's really letting her boyfriend have it. And when me and him get alone time, he is just totally exhausted and I'm like "Bruh. . .I've been there. Seriously. Listen to my advice." It's very frustrating. Very, very frustrating.

At least she's not doing anything physically abusive to him like she did with me. She used to take all my communication devices, throw them in the living room, lock me in my room, corner me, grab me by the hair and drag me into my bathroom, lock us both in there, and just fucking physically destroy me. Like, bang my head against the bath tub, scratch me till I bled, hit me in the temple with her knuckles, bite me, rip my hair out, all sorts of things. And, I mean, what was I supposed to do? Fight back? I may be male, but I'm WAY weaker than her. She would have fucking broken my wrist or snapped my neck if I had even TRIED. In a second. Because I have no muscle to speak of and I certainly did not back then. She's super tiny, but strong as all hell. I wouldn't even think of trying to take her on physically. I'd die. LMAO.

But. . .nah, she hasn't even hit her current BF. Which is good. She's just taking it out on herself and inanimate objects. She just physically destroys herself when she's having a fit of emotion because I can tell she doesn't wanna hurt anyone like she used to hurt me. And she's trying. . .she's really trying. Most of the time, she's doing really well. Other times, she fights with her BF. . .our other roommate locks himself in his room or leaves, and then at the end of it, she's crying in my lap while I pet her and try to talk her down and remind her that it's not her fault.

But sometimes. . .sometimes I just want to fucking. . .Idk.

I'm getting distracted. Fucking hell, I absolutely CANNOT WAIT to have drugs again. It's gonna be SUCH a nice reprieve from the hells of living in sobriety. Fuck sobriety. Sobriety is boring and such a fucking pain. I'd much rather be on dialysis in a fucking year and have my life be over than live another fucking MONTH sober. Goddamn.




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