Kill Switch

The Chaos Code
2017-10-19 01:14:47 (UTC)

Not Like Anyone Would Miss Me

I just went walking down backroads again for absolutely no reason except to fucking escape my (wonderful, but sometimes overwhelming) roommates. I love them to death, but I just need a breath of fresh air sometimes, right?


Idk. The last time I did this, I ended up in a crack house at like 3am-4am and walked out with a dime bag and almost got pulled into human trafficking. I mean, damn. But last time. . .I didn't take my meds.

And now I'm starting to realize. . .I most certainly haven't taken my medications tonight. And I'm like. . ."Do I even really need them, though?" I seem pretty calm and cool and collected and nothing feels. . .well, bad, persay. Everything just feels. . .off. But I'm sure that will go away. If I just. . .stop taking them now. Forever.

I'm so sick of being dependent on medications. I'm sick of caring about everything. I'm sick of trying to better myself.

I mean, who am I kidding??? I'm a horrible fucking person. I always have been and I always will be. What is there to better? Why can I not just accept the fact I am a horrible, aggressive, hypocritical little brat and just. . .move on from there. Why do I have to go to college and do something productive? Why should I even bother?

I haven't cut in such a long time. I want to do it just to feel the warm blood and see it trickle down my wrists and thighs. I don't even have a desire to hurt myself for any reason. . .I just want to see blood. I want to see my own blood. I want to experience the warm, succulent substance dripping down my arms. Just. . .one really smooth slice right down the middle. Maybe on both. Lots of blood. I just want to be able to play in a pool of blood. My own blood, preferably.

I should really do my schoolwork, but. . .why bother, amirite? Why fucking bother. . .Why not just fucking exist and do whatever the hell I want living in the moment day to day. . .not held down under any laws or morals. . .fuck that. Just. . .existing as I please. Doing what I want. Whenever I want. I don't need medications to fucking exist. I don't need medications to be myself. I don't need medications just because professionals say so.

I can literally do whatever I want.

I could hide my meds or just throw them out completely.

I don't need them. I don't. I don't need laws or morals and I ESPECIALLY do not need medications.

I should go on another walk. . .and maybe just not come back this time.




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