Therapist

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2017-10-16 04:00:55 (UTC)

Self Worth

I am the shity person. maybe I am. That sane "you are what you believe in" is. some what true. I feel hopeless, maybe because i go for hopeless people themselves, whom are trying to figure themselves out too. feel very stupid. Passive aggressive. I seriously. Don;t know what i offer on the table. I may be the one who loves to be spoiled with gifts but I tend to give gifts to my friends. maybe traits on how i want to be treated. I don't know love at all. I look for it in the wrong places. I have no sense. I am digging myself in a hole. Bigger than ever. I am very indesisive, very impulsive, very crazy, very jdgmental, shit talker like my mom. I carry all these negative traits. I don't see the use of anything, I am scared of failure. and obiviously who isn't . not just failing but never trying again. I tend to have a love language that shows my affection towrds others, it may seem materlistic, but its not. a simple rose would make my day forever/ everything. I feel like i have no value. since ive been searching it in all the wrong places. I am not going back to adrian, all though i didn;t want to end, it was time to end it. Red flags since day one. I think back, i am no diff. than luna. honestly. She went for her first love the day after she asked oujt by another. Honestly i would relate with chris and Adri. I honestly fucked up on my emotion on that. childish i know. Silent treatment. is just the worse. I am not mentally ready for that. I am not giving him. My ego isn't . well it is. the fear. thats not going to work he sees this great peerson, but i feel like such a lie to him. I feel shity talking about his love language. the fact he tried to fit me in a box. that was just mean... And same goes to me, It went to fast to soon, But if it failed it wouldn't work as much as i want it to. we both want different things, I may want a family in the future but .... honestly i cant visualize that right now. I don't. I wont be having kids. Because of what i bring to the table. I hope i find my passion and feel secure to bring a child in this fucked up world we call society I may have took for granted Adrian love language, but words didn;t mean much. His action did. I wanted to spend time with him. I would just want him as a genuinely friend, but. sadly i cant. Because its me. I am the problem, letting my emotions. just flip on me. take the best of me. Im just mentally fucked. It runs in the family. I am slowly grwing up that perfection i was felt is no longer there, how its all in our head, usually Adrian was right on that, it is all in our head but, why? the fact fear holds us back from recent let downs of others, the way of having that baggage, the way i left him for another because that guy fed my love lanuage, it shouldn't . I sadly don't know shit, and thats ok, I rather read a book, and just. relaxe, but you can't you have shit to do. and we have to do it. honestly i have to get it together. I honestly don't know. I honestly hope im okay, I hope ifind my purpose. to find something or create it. Sadly i feel like im running out of untialis to creat something major in my life. Everything ha[[ems for a reason. I am not sure. I pray I am okay, I pray adrian is fine, i pray we are on good terms, i pray my family supports me, i pray my sisters get back on their feet i pray... Please don't let us down god, youve been good to us. for so long. Bt things happen for a reason. I guess its our call. Our destination. Where you want us to be,Help me decide. to make better decions. I pray i do well. I pray.




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