2017-10-11 22:07:37 (UTC)


After my last entry the unthinkable happened. In almost 2 years he's never done me that way. I've thought about it every day since and the only conclusion that I can come to is that he knew what line to finally cross to get me to let him go for good. I've always forgiven him...for everything. I've loved him through it...as much pain and even humiliation is has caused me. He reaches out, I hesitate but always go back. He knew after this nothing would ever be the same again. I would never look at him the same. That had already changed for me that Monday night...he knew.... and I have no idea if that makes me hurt even more or be grateful.
I got home with my son to find us locked out of the house. When we were finally let in and after I put my son to bed, questioning him about why he did what he did after saying that there would be no drama, things got physical. Fortunately my son was asleep. I got him up and left. It's been a haze since. I was told to have my things out by that weekend. Scrambled around to get help , change my phone number, get a truck and get all of my things Saturday before he got home. Of course there was a shit storm to follow. It's been a week and a half now and I believe things have finally calmed down some. I don't ask or want to know...but I haven't been told anything from our mutual friend who's had to play mediator. I want no part of him. I've never been able to think that way for a long period of time once the anger subsided...which it always did with him. Now, he can never be around my kids or me again. I feel this massive amount of anxiety just thinking I may run into him.
I'm still searching for a home and staying with friends. I thank God daily for them and all the support. I do believe I would have taken my own life that weekend had it not been for these people. I can remember a time in my life when I felt that low...and I swore then I would never be there again...to only find myself there, and much worse.
But, I did this. I allowed it. All the red flags were there in the very beginning. My gut...God..kept showing and telling me to leave him and let him go. I cry or throw up every day. Sometimes its pure heartache..other times it's disgust with myself.
I know that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" had a different meaning to it...but I truly do wish that there was something like that. A doctor's office, make an appointment, go in and have all memory of certain events or a person be erased. I do not want to think on him again...even the good times. None of it. For even those memories make me feel sick.
Please God...let me sleep in peace..