Todayy

A southern life
2017-10-04 21:34:07 (UTC)

what is failing?

I am scared of a lot of things like dolls, the bottom of the ocean, being burned alive, watching myself die and many other things.
But you know those things are just I don't know silly things because I realized my actual fear today. I am scared of trying because I don't want to fail but I think the irony in that is that since I don't try then technically I am already failing. I am a moderate person I don't do bad things and I don't go above and beyond. I am just there in the middle and I am getting tired of that. I want to try so hard but then again I REALLY don't want to fail. I don't want to fail because I don't want people to judge me and think I am stupid.
That is my second fear-being stupid-or being called stupid. Like some actually means it and doesn't say it because they are being mean but just really looking at me and see my results and just say "you are dumb, you are stupid, and you really don't know anything" I rather everyone call me ugly than everyone thinks I am stupid. You know what I am scared to realize what if I am stupid? like I know facts and I know basic math and I am good at writing but I think I developed this fear because I am failing college. I am failing college because my first semester I felt and had all this freedom and I would skip class and hang-out with my boyfriend a lot and I procrastinated a lot too. By my second semester they told me I was failing and if I don't do better then I will get kicked out. So, the second semester I tried not my hardest but I tried and I barely made it and I got a second chance, this is my third semester here and I am doing better my grades are going up and that means my gpa is going up and hopefully this year I will get to stay. I haven't told my parents the truth because they are working their asses off and I just can't-do this to them I have to pass I have to make it. I can't fail them. Now that I think about it when I do try at something I never quit even when I know I am so close to failing or even if I know I am going to fail, I don't quit it.
I do agree that college isn't for everyone and that is totally okay but the reason I am doing it is for my mom. I know she wants me to do better so I am going to do better because I love her and I want her to see me succeed for her because I know how happy she'll be. but no I don't think college is for me, but it isn't for me anyways it's for her, I am making it for her.
It's funny because when I do ACTUALLY try like I put thought and like a lot of energy into something and then I get the result and if I fail I get like this outraged and then I go and do some spontaneous challenge and I end up succeeding and then once I won that thing or pass it I'm like "HAHAHAHA! I DID IT SUCK IT!!" so I don't know if I need to fail more to keep doing spontaneous success(es?) or if I need to learn how to handle failure? Either way, I am still scared of completely failing because I don't want people to think I am stupid.
My third fear is never doing anything in life. Like I don't know...I want to accomplish/succeed something in life but then what is "succeeding" in life? being rich? winning something? being happy? buying a house? beating depression? learning a new language?
what is success to me? what is trying? what is failing?




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