Anastasia Romanov

Words Fail In A Crowd Of Thousands
2017-10-04 06:37:09 (UTC)

I don't like school! I never have. ..

I don't like school! I never have. I've always been so unhappy and bored with school subjects...yet here I am in college pursuing my education for something i dont even want to do. and its not like i can just "drop everything and follow my dream, pursue my passion" because Ate said medical field and i cant question it so i know its God's plan...but if it were up to me, i'd be pursuing something in the arts. maybe music, theatre, or visual...but its not up to me and im still kind of working on accepting that. school makes me want to die. all the time. for the past four years and now maybe another 4 plus grad school. ive never been happy.
anway, i embarrassed myself today. my anxiety wont let me forget it. the SI tutor asked who isnt doing premed and i raised my hand and said im doing bio and want to be a p.a. which i now realize still means premed and everyone who laughed made me feel so embarrassed and horrible and i want to curl up into a ball, crawl into a hole, and fucking die so i could never show my face! i havent stopped thinking about it since and i think its going to be one of those things that makes me cringe at night and wont let me sleep.
honestly why am i a bio major. i fuckin hate math, chem, and bio. i hate math and science. i wish i could do psychology. im probably going to switch next year depending on how this year turns out. I hate school. i dont care for UCR. i wish i had more friends but my classes are mainly my LC and no one wants to get to know each other. i think having more friends would make this experience more fun but my anxiety and shyness make it impossible to make friends so easily. i'm only friends with tim because we were in the same orientation group. otherwise we'd be strangers. also i dont really like him because hes so fucking negative and judgemental. he disrespected my career ambition. i didnt let him know how fucking rude that was obviously. i should have tho. i need to start standing up for myself more. especially to tim. i dont want him to get the idea that he can just walk all over me.
fuck victoria! she's so annoying! the whole saturday situation was annoying (i'll probably write about it in another post). i cant believe she would just leave me, lie to me, and take me for a fool! i dont want tot think bad about her bc sometimes i really do love her. I think i am toxic to her. she should get away from me. sometimes i wish she would. now she is asking if she did something wrong bc she thinks im "acting different" toward her. BITCH TF? on one note how could i be acting differently if i havent see her or talked to her since saturday? but also i guess that proves it itself. I am acting different and im glad she noticed. i havent been communicating with her. but um she hasnt really been communicating with me either so!! only today did we snapchat with an actual essence of a comversation. she asked how my classes were going and i responded with an answer that i would give if we were okay and then she responded with a chain of snaps as if everything is okay. so ignored her bc i dont care what she has to say right now. sometimes i actually really fucking hate talking to her bc she SUCKS at conversation even with someone shes close to. like after orientation i was telling her how i was thinking of minoring in theatre and she stayed silent. the fuck? or sometimes she'll just respond with "hm." or "oh okay". tired of it. it gets so frustrating that she is one of my only friends. if i could easily make friends, she'd be gone and dropped in a fucking second. im tired of her and her constant negative attitude. she ALWAYS complains as if thats the only way she knows how to converse. im tired of it. and im tired of her attitude of not wanting to step out of her comfort zone. we're not gonna be friends for long if she keeps this shit up. we should just drop each other for both our sakes.
i hate not having a car or being able to drive. i hate my life. im so frustrated with what i have to deal with. i see all my friends on snapchat having a good time and im just like..HOW! oh right bc your major is a fucking joke! ISABELLA! fuckin music major ass. she's nothing special when it comes to piano or singing anyway. what will she do with music? become a teacher i bet. i hope not though. i actually want to see her succeed and do something better than that.
anyway fuck my life. depression and anxiety dont allow me to "focus on the positives". i wish i could tell someone about what i feel but i dont want to be so vulnerable. i dont want anyone to know too much about me. i dont want to open up to people. i wish i could tell someone, and i probably could, because i think i have friends who are actually willing to listen and actually care but i know theyll forget to check up on me and you know what i probably would too but i just dont want to be a burden to them, i dont want them to me so sensitively, and i dont want the added pain of feeling forgotten again when they dont check up on me. i really wish i could open up. maybe i would to kyle, but again i dont want to be vulnerable to him and i probably wont like what he has to say. i dont want to go the mental health places at my school because i dont feel like they would actually help me. i dont know what to do. well i do know but i dont want to do it bc i dont think it will actually make me happy. i want to go and get screened for these illnesses but i dont want it to show up on my record and affect me professionally. its crazy how my parents dont offer any sort of emotional support or show any concern. i hope that if i ever become a parent i will be able to do all the good things my parents failed to do. mental health isnt even improtant in asian families.
i feel like michael and i would really get along if he gave me a chance bc i really agree with everything he tweets and retweets and i think we feel the same way. and hes smart and nice and funny and i wish he wouldnt think so little of me. maybe he doesnt and maybe im just putting these ideas into my head but it makes so much sense with what ive seen like his facial expressions so i dont think im lying to myself i think this is genuine. its jsut context clues.
to be honest, if i didnt believe in God and a punishment in the eternal afterlife, i would have ended my life years ago. and if not, then i would be seriously considering it now because i would have nothing to keep me going.
okay im signing off now because i need to shower and do homework and cook. i hate living.




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