Anastasia Romanov

Words Fail In A Crowd Of Thousands
2017-09-30 07:57:23 (UTC)

Tests.

So, I just took a couple online tests to see if I have depression and/or anxiety. My results were that I show symptoms of having severe depression and mild anxiety. I know these online tests can sometimes be inaccurate and silly and may not ask the necessary questions to determine whether or not I really do have these illnesses. I did try to answer them as honestly as I could without having too much self pity or being dramatic. The results definitely feel like they confirm what I've been feeling. I was really tempting just now to talk to Kyle about all my feelings but yet again I talked myself out of expressing myself. I feel like he is the only one who would have something valuable to say. But i also feel like he might just dismiss what I'm saying. But also he deals with everyone's issues and I don't want to be another person who bothers him with problems. I have never told my friends my feelings. None of them would tell me anything that would help and I just know it. I also don't think they would actually care too much. And I don't want to bother them because they all seem to be doing so well and seem so happy where they are at with life now that they're in college. Sometimes I let out what I'm feeling to Victoria and Victoria but it's literally like .01% and it's not considered as something that might actually be interfering with my life. And I mean I don't blame them bc it's not like I'm explaining major things that are making me feel this way. They're the only ones that really take time to respond to me when I snap them though. I miss Alejandra. She was one of the best friends that I've ever had. She was so generous and and selfless and no one ever made me laugh like she did. She has my favorite sense of humor and sometimes I still talk to people like I'm talking to her but they don't understand or react the way I wish they would. Victoria Medina annoys me. I love her but I also don't want to be her friend anymore. There are so many things that annoy me about her. The way she talks, her constant negative attitude, lack of common sense, being too shy and submissive, and other things I'll probably mention in future entries. I know this makes me sound like a total bitch but these are qualities I don't like in people that make me not want to be their friend. I know I have these qualities though and I guess she bothers me because I see myself in her and I hate myself for being like this so I find it so easy to dislike her? I'm such a hypocritical bitch I know I'm terrible. I hope I can become friends with Michael because I see the things he tweets and retweets and I always agree and relate to it and I just feel like we would get along so well. This entry is all over the place. M mom doesn't show me half the affection I show her. I feel like my parents are emotionally unavailable to us. If we were ever having mental problems they wouldn't care enough to seek professional help. My mom always pushes me away whenever I want to cuddle or kiss her and it just hurts so bad. I know she would never do that to Nikki or Christian. Even they tell me to stop. Should I be sorry for wanting affection from my own mother? Sometimes I accidentally hurt her and she will literally shove me or yell at me. The thing is that it happens so often. I know she loves me but am I being blind to some sort of hatred that she might have for me deep down? I can't bring myself to believe it but the signs are there. Sometimes I fantasize about taking my life and leaving notes for everyone in my life to make them realize how much they hurt me and how much they contributed to make me feel this way and I would want the guilt to consume them and make them regret ever hurting me. I know it sounds selfish. I'm just such an angry person inside and I want everyone to realize how awful they have made me feel and how them not caring affected me. I would never take my own life though because I believe in God and I know what's waiting for me on the other side if I did that. I just think of myself ding unexpectedly and somehow I had conveniently left notes for everyone about how they made me feel and someone somehow found them and gave them to each person they're addressed to. Anyway, I have always kept this inside. There's a lot more but I'll add gradually. I think it's relieving to let all of this out but it's not the same as talking about it to someone. It's like I'm telling someone by posting this but at the same time I'm not because I'm not really telling anyone directly? Thank you for reading this far. If you have, message me about something you love. I think I just need someone to talk to. I would never vent to anyone though. That's what my diary is for.




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