My Letter To The World
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2017-09-30 03:52:01 (UTC)


Mood: Tired
Song: Youth by Troye Sivan
Color: Red

As i wrote yesterday i was feeling weird, out of it, depressed ect.
Well i guess it's become visible because everyone i've talked to today has asked me if i'm okay.
to which i respond with "yeah i'm fine"
Because technically i am... it's the truth. ha just not the full truth.
I'm trying to shake this....
My mom asked me if i was alright and i told her how i was feeling, like i was in a funk and like i was drowning or suffocating and feeling a lot of anxiety and that i was trying to do things that i know help with that but right now i'm just struggling.
I think when i get like this i return to old habits.
Some more healthy than others.

Like i used to listen to songs on repeat over and over and over and i would be making up this whole story in my mind around that song, and well when i'd get particularly low or stressed, i'd just sort of go into my own mind and relive that story, it's almost like an escape like i'm not here dealing with my own issues but it's like i'm in the story.
this afternoon because i was home alone with the kids all day, i spent a large amount of time pacing around our outer room playing a few songs on repeat kind of just zoning out...adding to the story in my head.
If i wrote these down i think i'd have written several novels by now...but if i try(the few times i have) i couldn't ever properly transfer the magic of the way it plays out in my minds eye to on paper.

It's Friday night and i wanted to get out of the house and i said so...my mom who i was talking to was like well you can go somewhere you can go where ever you want.
Naturally i could and can....but my answer was "where am i going to go?" "I have nowhere to go" she nodded understanding what i was saying and then Emma who was listening in to bits and pieces of our conversation was like "if you go somewhere can i go too???"
so i ended up walking to the park with her, and letting her play for a while while i walked around getting bitten by mosquito's as always.
it was dark when we finally headed home and a car with some young adults came racing up driving way to fast behind us being jerks.
I'm just glad i always have Emma walk on the edge not the middle of the road...god people can be so freaking stupid.
Like you could have lost control of the car, you could have had a malfunction with the breaks, something horrible could have happened because you wanted to have a laugh at the expense of the people walking while you peel out and drive away....
God i wanted to flip them off so bad...i made eye contact with the driver and if Emma hadn't been with me i would have flipped them off...
But i didn't want Emma to ask me what that gesture was, or worse ask Mom or Dad -_-

Came home had dinner while talking with Mom and Dad.
Tucked Emma into Bed and then watched two episodes of Vampire Diaries and then started this entry.
It's 10:46Pm it feels closer to 1 or 2 Am.
I'm tired but it's more a restlessness than actually being sleepy.
Idk how to explain it.