rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-09-29 19:00:43 (UTC)

How do I fix this?

Here's my current reality: I signed up for a job that I thought would be an amazing opportunity but now I hate it, this is actually the worst job I've ever had in my life and I regret accepting this position. But I didn't know it was going to be bad, it's actually not even the job, the job itself is easy, but I work with the most irascible, disgusting people I've ever come across.


How did I get here? well, I never had strong family support, I have actually never had family support. My adoptive parents have always been neglectful, uncaring, unloving, and controlling. All of which lead me to grow up with crippling low self-esteem among other things. I've only recently come to tie all the pieces of my childhood together to understand who I am today. I'm not successful and I still have areas I struggle in that are hindering my success, but I feel like I've reached a new level of rock bottom as my current job leaves me working with people who are a reflection of everything I don't want to be but if I continue down the path I have been going on I will be just like them and the thought is terrifying. I have also been telling white lies at work when people ask me how I like the job... I don't want to tell the truth because they will get the sense that I am going to quit on them or that I think I'm better than them, which I'm not, I am however very different from them. I have just been saying I like the job and they give me a look as if I'm lying. But my fear is that I look like I fit in with them, my height leaves me "defective" and this has always been a curse I have had to bear.

My biggest fear right now is that other people see me the same way I see these people I'm working with. It is creating a lot of self-loathing and anxiety. I want to tell people, "I'm not like them!!" but I look like I fit in. Since I have been at this job all I've heard them talk about is violence, gossip, excessive amounts of alcohol consumption, sex, smoking and the like. They all seem to have various levels of either developmental disabilities or physical disabilities, but this job is not tailored towards vocational services, unless I over looked something, I certainly overlooked the pay or they changed it at the last minute. I won't lie, the majority look like they have recently been homeless. I actually think a majority of them are former homeless people. It's like life chewed them up and spit them out, then stumped all over them and smacked them around a few times. I'm sorry for the description and if it sounds harsh, but this is likely the path I was headed down, it's clear this is a sign that if I don't change my ways this is how I'll end up.

This entire situation, this fear of being like a group of people I've come to feel uncomfortable around (and feeling guilty about it at the same time) has left me motivated and ready to change. The thought of me working there forever and becoming like them frightens me. But I feel extremely guilty as if I'm being pretentious, but I'm not, because I know these are people even if they are rude, disrespectful and seem to lack any humanity. I go to work in the mornings and force a smile, I give a friendly greeting and then I spend the rest of the day trying to fade into the background. But it's already been a week and they can tell that my smile is forced and that I feel uncomfortable, I may even come across as judgmental and I think to an extent I have been judgemental, this is my own flaw and I figured this could happen. I have met some people who are versatile with many groups of people; they are able to make everyone feel welcome and comfortable around them, I've always liked people like that. Unfortunately I'm not one of those people; my insecurities show, what I'm thinking about others (judging) shows, and people can tell that I am faking my smile out of fear or being uncomfortable. By the way I do this with all people who I am uncomfortable around, and I wish I could better hid my own insecurities with confidence. Confidence is key in any situation, for example, I can already tell that my current co-workers think it's a waste of time to train me because they can already tell I hate the job and plan on leaving the first chance I get.

To put everything simply, I simply don't have the skills I need to be competitive, and therefore I am no better off than the co-workers I fear I am becoming like. I lack the confidence, motivation, knowledge and stamina needed to get me into a job that is going to better my future, that's why I'm working along side people with behavioral issues and all kinds of other issues. Today at work as I was observing how automated this job is and how the company could easily replace the workers with machines and have better production and less error, I realized that these people's entire livelihood depends on this job, I even felt guilty for being there knowing that I have no long term goals there but for many of them this was the only job they could get and many of them have no desire to go to school or for education (from what I've heard them say).


But I'm fear driven.... and the fear of becoming like the people I have surrounded myself with this past week is far too much for me to handle and it turns my fear into motivation and then suddenly all the things I thought I couldn't do I end up doing. So I guess in a way this job is good for me.


I'm sorry if this entry struck a nerve and made me sound superficial or pretentious. If it did then I did a terrible job at writing out what I am really feeling. I think the key words that summarize everything I've written is fear and lack of confidence. Plus I still have a huge issue with overthinking.




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