Therapist

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2017-09-29 21:04:21 (UTC)

Seriously

He comes back when I'm at my worst. Right now. He texted me back saying hi Dany. Then again today. Please talk to me :/
I'm mad because I tried to call him. He didn't answer me. I had bigger problems. I would think. No to compare. Even though I am. I have my mom in the hospital. I'm broke as fuck. My car is messing up. My car quotes are. I'm how to get one. But ill try. I'm still learning. I feel like he's just wants to be in one. Just like any other. He says sorry so many times. Why would I come back I already gave him 2 chance. Shit I took him back. I hate feeling this. He was just in it because he had this image of me- not truly wanting to learn things about me. Shit I'm not ready for it. I don't know My self. I haven't thought of him. He seriously. Ignored me... But does My he know I can go longer. My pride will rise up the roof to not turn back. I'm thinking of bills. A new car. Building my new credit. Finacing. School. Fafsa. All these things. I dont have time to have a boyfriend. He didn't grasp that I needed to understand my priorities. He got mad. Because we don't even talk. Why come back do you expect me to cry for you" go crazy and blow up your phone. Because I wont. What gives me the right to. You arent mine anymore. When you were you didnt want to talk to me even when I specifically told him I didnt want to force anything towrds him. I notice I cried every time. I woke up and went to sleep. He completely chaged. But people feel better when we blame things. He seriously. Just. Didnt give me a warning. Nor a good night text. To tell me hes ok. What hes doing. Untill I texted him. Shit if he thought that was an arrugment. Nah. Fuck you. What's going to happen when it comes down to that. He didnt believe me. He is amazing. Hes smart, respectful (towrds family) but he joked so much it kinda hurt... Like "I don't respect you" like damn. .that's nothing I should be laughing because my last relationship they didn't respect me. At all. I didn't sign up to repeat this shit all over again... I like him so much. I do. I really do. I like him. But we aren't ready. We were never were. We moved so fast. We didn't have this communication. I would feel he'd want someone physically there. Maybe he came back because I didn't run after him like hes used to. So he said his past relationships. He said that he doesnt like to argue. But with every relationship. There's going to be disagreements. But a way of compromising things didnt seem like Adrian was. He said all these things but not really shown me. He made it seem like. I was bothering him... He said "I already gone through this." Ok. Great now what. If you already did why wont you confirm me to not think the worst. He made it seem like it was my fault. We both got shit from it. I'm tired of trying. I am. I don't even want to be friends. Anymore... I don't think we ever were. He seriously. Left me hanging when I was having a mental break down. He pushed me. And not tried once check up on me the next day. I'm just fed up... I tried. I did. I googled. But why help someone who can't even help myself. I can't. A relationship should be happy. Yeah bumps on the road. Another thing is keeping me on the points... Like. I never said I was perfect. You have to get that image out of your head, of finding someone so perfect because not only are you making them think they can't change. They set on am expectation. I don't say anything. He didnt reply . he was hurting us. So was I. It wasn't meant to be. I don't want to talk to him. We already tried. He left me when I needed a friend when my mind was stressed out he left. Saying wed work something out like I was looking for a guy. I wasn't. I tried. My best. I drove spent time with him. I told him. But we never had the discussion. He didn't know what he wanted from a relationship. Because its a bad start if two people just date without fully knowing whom they are datibg. For me. I'm the dirtiest stinkiest person. Hes not. Hes clean. Organized. I feel well papered than me. He wants to grow up. I don't have to give him an explanation. I don't. When I asked him. Why did he come back.... He said how I'm so amazing. I'm not easy to loose. I don't think he ever fully wanted to get to know me. He has all these thoughts. I was trying to focus what to do. And say. And being careful to what to say holding my opinion. He made it seem like they were invalid but yet when I did something he barged in saying I'm impainted. I am. But. I'm not ready. He got . well we both got in a relationship just to be in one. I still think he has this. Image. But I don't think Adrian wanted something serious. He made me think as of there wasn't. I liked him. Yes. He turned me on. First guy I let him touch me inappropriately. I look back at that and hate myself for letting go so easily. He looked annoyed. I don't he liked me. For me. Only that he didnt have to worry about spending money on me. He didnt care about my family. He disnt care about my family he didnt bother to know names. I miss him. But we were both young and stupid. He seriously. I held my tounge because of it. I'm not straight up. I hold so much in. He just told me. Why think that. That night we first met after a year. He was upset and his words. "What do I have to do to make you think I'm not like that guy (that just wants to fuck)"... Honestly. He seriously didn't get it. He didnt. I stood quite because all these memories start playing back. Hating myself for taking him back so quickly. He wants me to chase after him. I am not that girl. That's girl stuff. A women knows her worth. (Well I'm half...) I wanted to just give him so much. I wanted a future. But didnt want anyone else to know that. I complained so much when we were together. Because I was holding on to the past. How he left me when I needed someone to hear me out. I cried when he left. I was just curious. I never had a relationship. The only reason my family was shocked was because I told them I didnt want to be married or have kids. My mom knows that. I would be that aunt to travel and bring gifts to my nephews. And a guy was just a plus. A guy who was kind. Loving. Caring. Understanding. I seriously. Am done with it. His parents didn't trust him driving alone. Especially with me now. I have a lot going on. I have no time even if I make time I have to find the motivation to stick with it. I want someone I can be loose with. Myself. Without being judge or watched my every move. I think Adrian wanted that. We are both simply. Just tired. The fact I put my things aside to attend him. It was
Tiring. Not once did he mention me first How my day has been. I needed something. To understand my actual things. I can't budget. Adrian. Needs to focus. My dad and mom. Are out of the picture. Theycant help me as much now. But he seriously didn't understamd that. I know I'm very insecure about my scar. I don't like to mention that to anyone. Its easy to say things than actually do it. People say imbrace it but. I feel like thats just a slap to my face. He just asked I just felt my heart sink. Because I don't want this birth defect to pass down any kids in the future. I think that's why I don't want any. My health is just not the best. I wouldnt that passed down to my children. I rather adopt a child who needs a loving home. But thats years to come. Adrian might never cross my mind. I miss. Him. A lot I do. I attract all the wrong guys. I do.
I liked him. I read past entries. I think I'd fuck him. But not loose my virginity to him. I don't think.




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