shananigins

Life
2017-09-28 14:27:12 (UTC)

Should Always Trust Your Gut

It turned out that I tried to rationalize along with making myself even crazier because of what my gut was saying and how I was feeling was correct. I allowed someone to make me feel even worse about myself...always giving to his needs and wants while mine were left unserved and cared for. Last weekend to be talking about our future plans and what he wanted for us and what we would be doing come Spring time...to this Monday night emotionally and verbally attaching me enough to have his dog cower under me to crawling up in my lap once he started throwing things to protect me..she barked and showed her teeth i think as in telling him to back off but never lunged or anything at him. He threw her across the room and later going after her as she hide from him in the closet he continued beating her. I have seen the worst side of him before this night, forgiven him and tried to excuse it and even take the blame but this night, this was a monster. An uncaring, abusive, cruel and heartless monster. Not one single ounce of any man that I loved and cared for. I had been throwing up and pretty sick that evening with a stomach virus. It did not deter him a bit from the heartless things he said. The morning of I get a text on my way to work that he loves me....that night he lashes out because I make a comment about him always being in his phone. Tells me that he doesn't want us, this anymore. He's unhappy. I need to find another place to go. As I try to ask him to calm down and communicate with me as someone he says he cares for...nothing gets easier. He wanted me to move in with him. He wanted to settle down and a family...but he doesn't want this family. We don't work. He could say that its him and not me but he'd be lying. It's me and a little him. It just goes from there with the tearing down and ripping my heart out....the one that he just told a day ago he loved so much and we were in this together.
I've been this route with him several times in 2 years. Things will go great and out of no where I won't hear from him and then when I do its to break things up because he doesn't want this/me. A week or two goes by, it changes to how much he truly loves me and there's something wrong with him. I finally had enough this past December and ended things for good. I grieved but it was for the best. I needed to move on with my life. 2 weeks he contacts me to fight over something. I did not give in to the fight...but we did talk and later saw each other and it went from there. He sent me roses (which he'd never done before) and we got back together but only to the agreement that no more of the back and forth. I couldn't and won't do it. He was certain of what he wanted and we were going to make it work. It's been 9 months. 3 major episodes from him, inexcusable and again heartless...and again I forgave and excused. Broke my lease because he asked me to move in with him. 4 months,, we make the place our home....and 3 nights ago, he does what he did. I can't forgive this time.
I'm fighting with my heart. I still want to go to him, kiss him and ask him how his day was. I still want to hold him. But, HE is an illusion. I have seen who he really is and who he really is has done so much internal and emotional damage I have got to get away from him before I end my life.
I am scared...but I am searching for hope again for a better life for myself and my kids without him and all the cruel and instability that he brings. But my heart..my heart and my soul is so broken
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