2017-09-22 21:33:52 (UTC)

New Start

I've been saying this for months life. Yet, I'm still suffering the same demons. Each time I find myself doing more research, reading more self help bullshit to "help" me. It preoccupies my mind taking it off the things I'm struggling with...taking my mind off my fear but it isn't long enough. I try to rationalize that it's just my hormones....rationalize every part of it. That maybe it's legit shit due to my past...but I don't linger on this due to the simple fact that I work so hard not to live in my past. IT IS PAST! But even still...does our past not make us who we are, regardless of how hard to fight to be "normal". These demons....these fears..will they ever leave me the hell alone?
Am I good enough.
Am I really seen for me...if so, how can anyone love and accept that?
Am I only what I can do for others?
Being left.
Feeling unloved.
Is it in my eyes that I'm not good enough?
This tremendous urge to scream this anxiety out of my gut due to the fact it is burning a hole inside me.
Is this why he or she was never around?
Is this why he treated me as an instrument to please him and not as an innocent child?
Is this why no one ever listened...ever stood up for me...ever?
Was I ever innocent?
I have 3 amazing children. Every single time I look at them I get this tinge in my heart that how in this world could that have ever come from me?! Lord, I am not worthy. I fail them and am certainly nothing to look up to or to lead them but God that hasn't stopped me from trying so very hard to. My greatest fear was to be my own mother. I didn't know how to parent...never saw one. Hell,,,I didn't grow up around loving couples either. My whole concept of love is from TV and movies...which explained a lot in itself for a good long time. I'm 35 fucking years old. 2 long marriages failed. 1st incredibly unhealthy and toxic but my incredible (heart and life changing) daughters came from that. 2nd wasn't toxic or unhealthy compared to the first but we weren't good outside of friendship. i loved more than he could and we all suffered for it...he's a good man and an even better father though. my precious son came from that. over 2 years later and that failure still hurts me greatly. i'll always love him.
I'm not as angry as I used to be. But shouldn't I be over all of this? I mean, I have good days. I can have good times. I love to laugh and love..I love to make others feel like I don't believe I ever will.
At this point should I surrender to the fact that maybe I too need to be medicated? I do NOT want to reply on a fucking pill for my sanity. Just as I do not want to rely on a person, for anything....yet, I do....and I have these unrealistic expectations. I shouldn't have expectations of anyone. I wouldn't want the same on myself. It's difficult as a human, a wounded heart, hopeful woman,,not to have them. I want to be there for the ones that I love..and love them unconditionally. I believe that I do. Until I do this and EXPECT it to be returned. When it isn't, I'm hurt and I either withhold or withdraw. That isn't right. That isn't unconditional.
Selfless love. I find myself reminding myself of this about every other week. Real love...really loving someone is being selfless. Regardless of how they are, how they let you down, misread you, disappoint you...etc.. selfless love. You love them for them. Just as you want to be loved as you are, especially through the flaws. We're all flawed.
How the fuck do I ever overcome all of this? I can't talk to anyone about it either. I've been to therapy. Sharing this, sobbing it all out to someone who is getting paid to listen to me brought me no help. I want to talk to people that say they love and care for me...just so they know but they won't see me the same...I'll get that look..I'll feel smaller and it changes. I allow some close, I share some of my past, and a part of me feels like if they know some of what I've been through shouldn't they already know that I want for them to show me love? That when I'm withdrawing, I need to be held. Please. Please tell me I'm enough. Please tell me that I'm going to be okay. Tell me that you aren't going anywhere. It's safe with you. It's safe to love you. It doesn't happen and the self torture starts. The self loathing. But, I can't ask for this and it isn't right for me to expect it. It isn't right for me to assume that just because they know some of my pains that that is what I'm seeking. I can't ask. I can't stand for anyone to see me vulnerable. Vulnerability has brought me nothing but pain and near death more then once. So...I battle...I torture myself and try as hard as I can to self sooth until it can pass. I used to pray. I still pray for others. I feel like He hears me then. I pray for myself and it's as though I'm speaking to myself alone....alone. I am so tired of feeling alone. People all around me. Good people. Hard working, happy, accomplished and well loved people. People I love with every fiber in me and I would give every single thing that I am and have for... I am unworthy and I pray they never see this when they look into my eyes because all I've ever wanted was to be.
Tomorrow.... new start.