My Letter To The World
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2017-09-22 02:29:38 (UTC)

The Road to Hell is paved with Good intentions

Mood: sad, Tired.
Song: Invisible by Linkin Park
Color: Maroon

So...it was a streach of awkward silence between My Grandpa and i and those this past week were getting fewer and farther between as conversation between us has been flowing better the longer he's been here.
But there was a moment tonight as we were sitting at the table talking about 30 minutes ago.
I saw a coffee cup i'd had brought back from Africa up on a shelf and blurted out "If you could travel anywhere right now where you you go?"
Which i was thinking would bring up a good rousing conversation about travel and such as he's traveled a lot and well it's something we have a lot in common.
But no!
he said he has no desire to travel cause he'd be alone, with out Josie here and such which i understand but my mind wasn't even going that direction...i know he's still grieving, we all are.
But he just seemed to sink to just wilt all the light gone out of his eyes and for the first time in a long time he seemed like a 70 something year old man who has been through a lot of life who was just tired.
And his sadness, extreme i could see it, and i because i can feel the emotions of those around me i could feel it and i almost cried with the intensity of the grief.
i didn't cause i didn't want to make it worse on him...but sheesh.
I wanted to go back in time so bad and take back that question so that his mind wouldn't have gone there...
I mean i started that conversation topic of travel with all the good intentions....which we all know how that works out....
I feel so bad right now. partly my own guild and grief and then his on top of it and i just feel like i was bowled over with such an intense emotion and here i am running up here to hide and write because it's been a long day i was already tired and then that seemed to just zap my energy.
Dad has finally emerged from his room and he needs to spend some time with him... They need to spend some time together and hopefully the next visit won't be so bad as dad will feel better and well...Grandpa has been bored and restless without having dad to constantly talk to or do things with and while i have spent the whole day with my Grandpa and i think he did have fun...
I'm not my dad and i can't fill that void that he want to talk with him and spend time with him
Gosh i'm so tired.
It's only 9: 27 pm Freaking ugh i'm tempted to turn out the light and go to sleep.....seriously.
And i have work tomorrow. ugh. i mean i'm not like not looking forward to it, there's nothing wrong with it, i just feel so tired emotionally, Physically and such that i can't stand the thought of work.
I'll feel better after i get some sleep tonight.
In the mean time i might watch something to try and stay up a bit longer.