My Letter To The World
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2017-09-12 02:59:54 (UTC)


Mood: Tired, wired awake
Song: a drop in the ocean by Ron Pope
Color: Dark blue

Back again because while i'm tired, i feel to wired to sleep or sit around my house...which is why i'm here at the church all alone at night...i think if i wasn't so antsy and distracted by other things i might be creeped out but i won't think about that.....ugh.
It's different the feel of this building, i didn't really get creeped out at MSBC being alone there weather it was night or day, but then again i was there alone alot so even if i was creeped out i would have had to get used to it.
Suppose to an extent i will have to get used to it here as well.

Well it's official My Grandmother says that she hates me, doesn't love me, and wants nothing to do with me.
She says that i'm untrustworthy and have no sense of humor, and plenty of other cutting and untrue and terrible things and i feel very emotionally drained when i think about the things that she said....
Naturally i'm a little hurt and upset by the things she did and said....but i did say what i felt was right and i got my closure and well i expected her to be angry and horrible but i didn't expect some of the things she said...and well i didn't deserve any of it.
so....There will be nothing between us....and well it's basically like we are dead to each other....
Which i might be easier actually to accept death than it is to accept that all this is purely hate and pride on her part.
My mom told my Great aunt about what my Grandma said to me and my Great aunt made excuses for my grandmother, and i sent a picture to my aunt(on my moms request) but my aunt never responded.
When my Dad got home from Altus my mom read him the messages and i didn't hear most of the conversation but my dad didn't seem as outraged as my mom was, he was basically i don't want you to have contact with her(saying it to my mom about both my mom and i) and basically that we should have expected it....if he was angry for me, he didn't show it...or say it.
I understand that it's his mother and that i don't want him to be stuck in the middle i never want to put him there,....but mom at least showed a reaction i mean she listened to me and was angry with me ect.
My dad...didn't and i know he loves me i'm not at all implying that he doesn't....but what came to my mind which i didn't say was "Fight for me!, Defend me, Do something, say something.!"
I don't know what i expected...but it wasn't this arguing with my mom about contacting My grandma in the first place(which i was always open about and told them i was going to do) and this passiveness....like....look what she said to me! how the hell is that okay and warrant no action?!?!?
I don't know.
I know that i'm an adult i don't need my dad to protect me blah blah blah i'm not a little kid any more, but while i don't need the protection i guess i just expected it????

I feel like i got what i needed to say/do out of my system and while i'm hurt/Angry i'm happy to know exactly where i stand and exactly where she stands and glad to know that there isn't going to be some get together in the future where she's smiling at me and goes to hug me and acts like everything is alright when it's obviously not...good lord you have no idea how much of a relief that is to me.
It's like a conversation i've had with a friend...when my Grandmother in the past would do something and get mad at me, and i'd say to my friend :
Me: My Grandma hates me
Her: no she doesn't MY grandmother hates me.
Me some excuse blah blah blah which i eventually agree with my friend.
But not anymore...because well My grandmother actually does hate me and it's the truth.
And after what was said...there's no denying it.
I wonder how that sounds to an outsider?
It must sound weird to have someone talk about their Grandmother like that, my friend Jay says he's never seen a situation with a grandparent like this(he has good relationship with his Grandparents)
And i imagine most people do, or at least most people's grandparents don't hate them for no apparent reason and say the most horrible and cutting things they can think of.

I have officially lost 5 Grandparents 4 to death and one to Hate, and well that just leaves my Dads Dad.
This thing with my Grandmother almost feels like mourning a suicide...you feel the loss of the person and all the complicated sad things attached to it, but you also feel anger because they chose to leave, that was all on them.
And it's the same with my Grandmother she's made her choice and she's the one that has broken and burnt all her bridges...her choice and she will have to face the consequences for it.