rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-09-07 02:45:57 (UTC)

Very frustrated

I don't really know what to do, I feel like I'm caught between two extremes, I'm trying to fix my life after seeing all of the problems that weren't clear to me before. I think what would ease my stress the most right now would be knowing rather or not I had this job I've been trying to get because as of right now that seems like my only way out of this disaster I'm in.


Another thing is wanting to be a mother and asking myself if I should try again with this same guy. I don't want to do this alone or this way but I worry that in 10 years I'll be living with so much regret if I don't try now, I already have more regret than one person should ever have. I want to say something regarding that as well.... regret is far more painful/harmful than rejection or embarrassment is. I wish it didn't take me so long to accept this as a fact and to put it into practice. There are so many things I wanted to do but I let fear of the unknown hold me back, but it was because I didn't have a strong support system. I have so much regret for the things I didn't do, but now I'm at a point where I want to try new things but I also want to be safe.


The frustration and stress are taking a toll on my body, I know this job would alleviate some of the stress but there has been no word yet and might not be until next week or possibly longer. I just don't understand why I can't get what I want.... I was talking to someone on one of the dating sites I was trying out and they told me that "things take time"... even though I know it's true and that I've been trying to get into an instant relationship it is very hard to accept because I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel like far too much of my life has passed me by and I've been miserable the entire time..... what's worst is figuring out that the source of all of this has been my adoptive parents.

But there's another component I'm starting to consider.....genetics.... I've written about how I'm now interested in epigenetics and trying to understand who I am genetically compared to my birth parents, the problem is that I don't know them. But I do have the two videos that my birth mother posted to facebook and it gave me some insight into what my fate might be if I don't make serious changes to my diet and turn off some of the bad genes she has likely passed to me. But not just that, I've also been wondering how much of my response to my adoptive parents is a part of my genetics? meaning... it's true that my adoptive parents were very cold distant people who have never shown love or physical affection and my response to that as a child was indifferent but I adapted to it instead of being more demanding. Even if they crushed my self-esteem down to nothing why was I unable to develop the motivation to fight back?? does that mean I'm genetically weak in some areas?


It reminds me of Jay, the girl I met online, she and I graduated at the same time, we both went on to college but her college career was far more successful than mine, not to mention she also birth and raised 2 children during her time in college, and graduated on time. The reasoning and justification I have for it is that she didn't have the negative start that I had in life and she wasn't adopted by cold heartless people, she also went to a much better high school than I did in a town with less poverty and distractions. But also there is genetics, I just wonder (hypothetically) what if she and I had switched places and she had to grow up with my heartless adoptive parents and got sent to the worst schools and I instead got to go and live the life she lived, would I have made the best of it? would I be in a much better position today?

Another part of my reasoning behind all of this is my sister, she is two years older than me but I feel she has always had much less motivation to do anything with her life than I did. She and I are as different as night and day but we do have the same mother. Our relationship has never been good but I take some of the responsibility for that because growing up I always held onto preconceived notions of how an older sister was supposed to be and she was a lot more tolerant with our adoptive parents and didn't question the quality of how we were being raised. But she is just as much of a victim as I am, however she still won't take responsibility for herself, she and I divide in that I always had the desire to do better and be better where as she seems to be ok with how she is living.

I just checked my pulse and it's 67, which is amazing and also an indication that the ashwaghandha is working, for a very long time my resting pulse rate would be in the mid to high 70s or even up in the 80s even after a full nights rest and before standing, it's starting to become lower now. I'm working on that, I want a lower pulse rate, and lower blood pressure both of which are too high considering how healthy I eat. This is another reason why me getting this job or any second good paying job is critical for my health, there are things I want to buy and I want to possibly join a gym or maybe find a used treadmill to use at home. The supplements I'm considering are turmeric, iron, milk thistle, and oil of oregano. I think I still have a lot of inflammation going on in my body and it's still effecting me negatively. However my digestion has improved greatly..... everything I'm doing now is what I wish I had done years ago!!


Well I need to get some sleep.





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