rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-09-05 03:06:49 (UTC)

Still waiting

I woke up early this morning with a few worries on my mind, so I turned on some ASMR and decided to come and write for a bit. A few things are bothering me even though I feel like I can get things under control eventually, I know that I have a high level of frustration that is coming from the frustration that comes along with "dating" I guess that is why I had put it off for so long, that and I never realized before how much my past effects my relationships with others.


I also realize that I need to get back started with building my vocabulary and conversation skills in general, I wonder if that could be a part of the problem in dating...I think I have regular conversations but it's not very exciting or eye catching.


I took a picture the other day and started to really look at it and I didn't realize how much weight I had actually lost. I feel like I have a much better understanding of what supplements my body needs but I am at a lost on what diet I should be on. I don't want to eat meat but if I don't I loose a lot of body fat very quickly and I get fatigued easily. Yesterday I was at the grocery store and found a ton of antibiotic free "natural" chicken products on markdown to 99 cents each, so I stocked up on that. My goal will be to find the balance I need between fruits, veggies, and meat. I think once I get a second job going then I'll be able to be a little more flexible with how I do things. Right now what I can say is the biggest difference I notice when I eat meat vs when I don't is that I sleep better and have more energy during the day. But if I have too much meat I start to feel a rise in my blood pressure and I'm trying to lower my blood pressure. Right now my blood pressure averages 127/85 which is considered prehypertention, I would like my blood pressure to be around 90/70 and I think the best way to get it there is a combination of reducing my stress levels and exercise.... I've tried diet but it doesn't do much for my bp.


I don't have anything planned for the rest of this week and that really stresses me out because I know I need to be either working or in school but because of my poor planning I missed out on this semester so I'll have to wait until next semester, and I'm still waiting to hear back from this other job. I've still been putting in other job applications while I wait, just in case. The only relief I have is in knowing that whatever decision they make should be what comes next and that will be the final decision, which means no more paperwork and waiting around to know if I got the job or not.... that will be relief in itself because I can't explain the level of frustration that I've dealt with over this 2 month period while trying to get this job. I just wish I could have found more temporary jobs to help me fill in the gaps during this time...but strangely enough many of the "temporary" job postings I've found are not temporary, they are usually something that starts off as a 90 day term and ends up long term... basically an evaluation period. I'm not having much luck finding one-time jobs where I can get paid and not have to return.


I think today I will try to get started on a few projects I've been wanting to start, I should start now before the cold weather sends me in "hibernation" mode, we have already started to have cold mornings that make me just want to lay in bed all morning and I'm not looking forward to turning on the heater because I don't want to pay that bill. Luckily I have this therapy light that I found at the thrift store so I will be trying that this winter, I haven't used it since I purchased it mainly because I wanted there to be some time between my diet changes and starting the light therapy so that I can rule out the effect of the diet change on the light therapy. Also because I want to make sure it's safe and not going to give me cancer, I know that last statement makes me sound like a hypochondriac but I would rather be safe than sorry and the first time I used it I developed a pain and tingling sensation on the side of my face.. so who knows.

I haven't been reading the books I picked up from the library, I have no idea why I lack motivation to read books. It's not that I have anything against reading but I think because reading doesn't stimulate enough of my senses I get bored more easily than if I were watching a video or talking with someone about the same subject. I feel guilty about it because it's not like I don't have enough time to read I just get distracted and forget about it. I should start off reading for about 5 minutes a day and then increasing the time until I can keep up with reading without needed a prompt.


I need more motivation in general. I realize that I do too many things without putting in full effort or care into them, but I think it's because in the past I would put in a lot of effort and time into something only for it to go unnoticed or to be ineffective.

I'm going back to sleep.




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