rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-09-04 19:09:53 (UTC)

When oh when

I'm coming to write because I have a lot on my mind so it can be expected that my writing will be all over the place but it's really just my way to relax and sort things out.


I don't even know where to begin, finding love has been extremely difficult and I'm wondering if I'm doing it right or if I'm not being persistent enough about it. Or maybe it's just the selection?? I feel so lost about this and it is really stressing me out. I know one of my problems is that the last few people I have spoken to wanted to meet right away, it was far too quick for me, especially when I don't know who you are, it's too much of a risk to take.


This job I've been trying to get for 2 months now still hasn't contacted me yet and my patience is wearing thin, especially since my current job made the changes to work hours, this week I only got 2 hours of work for the entire week, I can't survive off of that. I'm in a really tough spot and it may even look like it's my fault because it's true I quit my last 3 jobs but I was unaware of how damaged I really was, I was unaware of my failing health and how badly it needed to be address... and most importantly I was unaware of how the way I was raised and how my adoptive parents treated us has had such a negative impact on my life. I'm still shifting through the memories and putting the pieces together, I'm still working on gaining understanding of all the things that went wrong that lead me to this point. I'm also panicking for my sister because she is not motivated to change, she doesn't see the trap that our adoptive parents put us in and she continues to live her life as if everything is always going to be this way, she should be taking this time to secure her future but instead she just plays video games.


The greatest thing I currently have going for me is my health, it continues to improve day by day. One thing I have noticed since introducing better probiotics into my diet is that they help my body absorb the nutrients from foods and supplements I am taking so I believe this is a clear indication that I have been dealing with "leaky gut", there is a test that can be done using beets to see how much your gut lining is compromised, I think my case was really bad but not bad enough to cause me chronic problems, it did however negatively impact my life I was just never able to draw the correlation before and didn't know how to fix it.


My only worry now is what if I don't get this job? I really need to be able to afford to continue supplementing until my gut is healed, I can see the improvements but I also know that it will take a while longer until everything is completely healed. This entire process took years to develop and present itself the way it did so it may take years until I'm 100 percent better.

I have more to write, but I'll write about it later... I'm going to continue on this mission...




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