Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2017-08-22 17:03:35 (UTC)

The Light She's Brought To My Life

I'm sitting in Better Living Through Coffee (the little coffee shop in Port Townsend that I love so much) wondering why I'm letting my job get to me. Literally nothing else is affecting me nearly as much as wondering if I'm doing a good job. Wondering how my co-managers feel about me. Wondering if I'm going to fall into the same trap I fell into a few years ago. My mental health wasn't in a good place. I was having an affair that resulted in a pregnancy (that I lost at 13 weeks). I hated what I was doing. I could tell my co-workers resented me for just getting by and not really trying to excel. I feel like this time around is my chance to redeem myself. The only one on the team that was here when I failed so miserably last time is Alli. And oh what a tenuous relationship we have... I don't care if she likes me as a friend. I don't care if any of them do. I only care about whether or not she respects me as a professional equal. Some days I feel like she does, and other times I don't feel like she sees me as anything but another minion for her to boss around. Everything is always her way. Even if you get to the same conclusion. If you didn't get there via her route, you're wrong.


One bad day spurred all this. Not a bad day for me, a bad day for the business. Conversion (the number of customers that come into the store that actually buy something) was terrible. We had great promotions going on, but for whatever reason people just weren't buying. We goal ourselves at a 35% conversion on the day, but it averaged down to a sad 20%. I tried harder yesterday to make plan than I think I ever have any other day. It just wasn't happening. The fear in me of failing reared it's ugly head, and even though I'm off today, I can't help but feel like a failure. Yes, yes. I know I shouldn't. And even writing this, I feel silly for stressing about it so much. Then again, I also feel much better for getting it out. Thanks, Diary :)

Snookums is trying to find another job, because he's underemployed for the needs of our family. Even with my promotion/pay increase/increased hours, we're still struggling. Except now instead of falling behind in bills, we're paying bills and having very little left over afterwards. It's uncomfortably tight at times, but I'm grateful to be paying bills on time consistently. His VA benefits have also been hit or miss. He'll get the money for a few months, then it will inexplicably disappear. It's frustrating, because that money pays our rent and my car payment and sets us up for a better, more comfortable month. It's those months when it doesn't come that we feel so constrained.

Annie leaves for college in less than 3 weeks. A couple weeks ago we took her to orientation. It was such a cool experience for me. I didn't get the traditional college experience, and I've always wanted it for her. For all my babies (if that's what they want). Walking across campus, finding the various lecture halls in all the old buildings. Visiting the library, seeing the dining hall and football field, her dorm (which is kind of a dump, but it's all part of the experience of course). I'm excited for her. I'm sad she's leaving, but I'm anxious to see what she does with this chapter of her life. I've always known she was destined for greatness. Even if that greatness is solely the light she's brought to my life.

Kiki and Keenan are great. They're currently on vacation with Grandma Sue (Snookums' mother). She took them to Oregon to see the total eclipse and now they're at a kite festival in Long Beach. She's been very good to us (especially them) and I think a lot of our differences have been ironed out. I'm thankful for the help she's provided Snookums and I financially. We've never asked, but just when it seemed like we needed help the most, she was there.

I've been having the weirdest thing happen over the past couple months... I've been spontaneously falling. I'll be walking along and then all of a sudden, I'm on the ground. I Googled it and they're called drop attacks - super tiny little seizures. Any number of things can cause them. I'm going with a nutrient deficiency of some sort, since I'm fairly confident I don't have a brain tumor or epilepsy. I started taking a magnesium - calcium - zinc supplement a few days ago and I swear I already feel better. Those three are also beneficial to mental health, too so I guess I'll just keep on taking it! The downside to these drop attacks, I fell on the very hard concrete/marble tile floors at work and I either have a hellacious bone bruise to my tibia or I broke it a little. It's hurting something fierce. There's not a lot I can do about either ailment, so I'll just keep icing it until it fixes itself.

Everything else about life is pretty steady. Life is good. Even if there are a few hiccups here and there. I think I'm handling things better overall, which might be the difference. Even work. I don't dread it like I used to. It doesn't drag by. I don't want to avoid my responsibilities. I'm good. Really good.




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