rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-08-21 20:24:10 (UTC)

Reflecting

I wasn't going to write tonight but I started to have a lot of thoughts/memories of my past and it started to bug me just thinking about all I have missed out on because I was stuck in a very small mind frame. Now that I've escaped I keep feeling like every minute that passes is a minute that I should be doing something to help jump start my future so I can make up on lost time, but for right now I still feel stuck.


I didn't hear anything back today from the job I've been trying to get, it's only been two full days though so I can understand if getting all of my results back takes time.... but there is still a part of me that feels like I could be let down at the last minute when I need this more than anything right now. Today was actually really frustrating at my current job, I could have stopped working and saved the rest of the work for later in the week but I wanted to make all my hours that day so I don't have to spend money on gas going back to that store. I wish I hadn't gotten so frustrated but what caused the frustration was the fact that all of my assignments today were timed and the longest one was very tedious and it got very frustrating because I know I was missing small details because I felt a strong need to rush, the problem is that they don't pay you for any extra time you spend doing the task so I have gotten very serious with just working up to the time they give me. Basically this last task that we had is something that could take 9 hours easily but they were only willing to do 5 hours. There was no time for me to pay attention to all of the little details to make sure everything was correct, but I'm getting so frustrated with this job at this point I don't care much what might happen as long as I can get the other job. I'm ready for something to happen... anything.

The other thing I have been thinking about is how much of my childhood wasn't at all normal. I keep wishing I could of had different parents or that things didn't happen the way they did. Everything from that period is effecting me today and I'm still trying to figure out how to break free. I thought I had it figured out a week ago, well at least a start to figuring it out but that fell through so now I'm stuck back at point A. But I am not going to give up... I think just like I did at my old jobs... I gave up to easily and quit. I'm not doing that anymore, when things start to get hard I'm just going to have to get tougher, I think that persistence will get me to where I finally want to be in life.


Well the ashwaghandha is starting to set in so I'm going to get some zzz's.




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