Kill Switch

The Chaos Code
2017-08-19 19:13:20 (UTC)

Apathy At Its Finest

I've been back in this town for less than a week and I already have friends leaving me because of my drug habits. These are friends from YEARS ago. Friends that mostly used to do drugs WITH me. They all say things like "Yeah, I have a kid now, man. Can't fuck around with that stuff." or "I grew up a while ago. I really can't be around that environment anymore." And I mean, yes, I am happy they found a way to get sober, but holy fuck, you don't have to LEAVE me over the fact I still use???

Wow. I mean. . .I've already lost everything in my life two times over. . .am I about to lose everything again? I don't want to go back to rehab. Rehab does nothing for me. Absolutely nothing. And the only reason my parents are not committing me is because my mother is committing my father and she "needs me around". Not to mention, I'm the only one out of all three of us who has a steady income. . .so they're basically making me pay for everything. Mortgage and all. I originally came to live with them again because they offered me the loft for free. . .so that I could save money. But, now this?

I don't know how much more yelling and such I can take. Yeah, I have drugs to cope. . .but sometimes getting blitzed out of my mind just isn't enough. Because when I wake up in the morning, I am still here and I am still alive and I still have a long way to go before anything even remotely good happens in my life. And, frankly, I don't know if it's worth it, nevertheless if I am even going to make it that far.

Is it worth it? Is trying worth it? Is trying to survive worth it when you're about to lose everything and everyone you love? "Well, you could stop doing drugs, Killian." Yes, I know that is an option. But why should I have to sacrifice happiness for the sake of keeping people around? Shouldn't my friends WANT me to be happy? It's crazy. Fucking crazy. And I feel like everyone is just abandoning me for no reason.

Some of my friends are even avoiding me after initially hanging out with me. . .I can tell. I was in my car one day and crying hysterically because of bullshit going on with my parents. And I texted my friend and told her I needed her. And she came and hung out with me for a few hours so that I wouldn't cave to hurting myself or doing anything even worse than that. After she left, we had made plans to hang out again the next day. She never texted me again and she hasn't been answering my messages on FB. This is someone who has KNOWN I do drugs from high school. That fucking long ago. Yet, she's avoiding me because I use?

And THEN, I get an anonymous message on my sarahah saying "I don't know how much more of your drug abuse I can handle." And I have absolutely no idea who it's from. And I'm fucking furious. And hurt. And I just want to rip my hair out, honestly. This is so frustrating. I want to be happy. . .yet, I want people to WANT me to be happy, too. Doesn't it work both ways? SHOULDN'T it work both ways?

Fuck, bruh. I'm exhausted. Haha. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, but even taking a fuckton of my ambien will not keep me asleep nowadays. Is2g, I woke up at like 3am this morning after going to bed around 1am and just laid in bed vaping until about 7am when my body was FINALLY exhausted enough to go to sleep. And even then, I only slept until a little before 9am. I want to sleep through life---only waking up to do my schoolwork. And then when I finally have my masters or more and I have a good internship set up and my dream job in place, I can stay awake and fucking LIVE. Amirite? Like. . .I just want to wake up long enough to do what I need to do to get to that point. . .and sleep for the rest of it. I wouldn't have to worry about relationships (platonic and romantic), I wouldn't have to worry about food and starving myself, I wouldn't have to worry about my parents and family drama. . .I want a life where my whole day consists of emergency vet medicine and frontier vet medicine. I want my whole damn life to be going to work, studying and researching, and falling asleep exhausted enough that I can STAY asleep for more than a few hours at a time. And, yeh, I'm working towards that point. . .but it's going to take years to get there. Fuckin' YEARS, man.

I don't even know if I'm going to be ALIVE for years. I could die of an accidental drug overdose, a suicide attempt, or a hypoglycemic coma literally any day now. I could die from one of those things within the next HOUR. Idk how many years I have left. Doctors said I wouldn't make it to 25, yet here I am at 25. Am I even going to make it to 30? 35? 40? Am I going to even live long enough to see my dream become a reality?Or am I going to get shot down because I have insatiable self destructive habits? I've worked so damn hard for this . . .yet. . .

I'm beginning to not care about so many things that those two options both seem rather appealing.

The more people leave me, the less I am going to care about life. They think leaving me is going to get me to quit? Nah, bruh, exactly the opposite. The more people leave me, the more drugs I am going to binge on. The more I am going to starve myself. Who knows, I may start cutting again. I have been quite tempted to do so already. I've been holding off, though, because I don't want any physical evidence that could get me thrown in another ward. Plus, I just generally want to be a happier and better person. So I've been trying so damn hard to be okay and to just enjoy life. Yet, it's fucking hard when my whole life is spiraling again. Even harder since I can't stop it. . .

My desire to not care about anything is overtaking all my passion in life. Apathy is becoming a way of life. It's been a way of life for me once before and I did not enjoy it at all. Not being able to feel happy or sad. . .not being able to feel angry or excited. . .not being able to feel passionate about things. . .it was miserable. I am a very passionate person. I am a "go hard or go home" kinda guy. Apathy does not suit me, yet. . .that's really all I desire right now. And I desire it so intensely that I am beginning to adopt a purely nihilistic personality.

I mean, I have always been a nihilist. . .but I've always been more of a "why not?" nihilist than a "why bother?" nihilist. Now it's beginning to reverse. And I am not happy about it at all. I am pushing myself to care. . .and I shouldn't HAVE to push myself to care. My mood stabilizer should still be working. . .shouldn't it? I haven't played with the dose in years. I've been so stable since getting on it. That stability is clearly deteriorating. And I just don't know why.

I have theories. . .like, maybe it's because everyone is fucking abandoning me. Maybe it's because my life is stagnant right now. Maybe it's because I am living in an abusive environment again. Maybe it's all three?

I'm just tired, man. So fucking tired. Apathy is a way to relieve myself from pushing for possibly unattainable goals all the time. So isn't apathy a better way of life than passion? In theory?

If so, theory fucking sucks. I want to be a wholesome, passionate, loving person. . .yet I am a smol, nihilistic ball of rage and hatred, tbh. I am the exact opposite of what I long to be. And I have no idea how to get to the former. . .whilst currently existing as the latter.

Death would be so much easier. I wish I weren't such a pussy. . .hahaha.




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