Kill Switch

The Chaos Code
2017-08-18 17:34:16 (UTC)

Schizo Stuff

My dad might be getting committed today. I don't see why they don't just give him the same medications that helped me. I have bipolar-type schizo affective disorder and my dad either has that or straight up schizophrenia. We don't know which yet. Nonetheless, schizo spectrum disorders run in the family. And the meds help immensely. I don't have any problems with my schizo disorder anymore because of my medications. Which is why I feel they should start out by giving him the things that helped me. Haldol and Lamictal combo. Seriously fuckin' got rid of all the schizo and bipolar symptoms associated with the schizoaffective.

I am just so motherfucking pissed off that he hasn't done this sooner. The entire time my mother and I were in MA, she was begging him to go to the VA to get help coz right before we left for MA, he tried to strangle me to death and backhanded my mom. So it started right before we left. We were there for THREE FUCKING MONTHS. And he refused to leave the goddamn house. Now my ebt is getting cancelled because of him and I am absolutely fucking furious.

Not just that... But the electronic incident yesterday and the router incident....I am royally pissed. I want to fucking attack him or murder someone, to be completely honest. My intrusive thoughts are no longer intrusive; they are just thoughts now. Pffft.

My mom kept her end of the deal. She gave me her entire pain killer script in exchange for me coming home for the night and agreeing to be there when it was time for my dad's appt today. And being there for her if he got committed. Which he may. Which I am 200% hopeful that they will commit him.. For a long fucking time, please. I want him gone. Fucking gone. I hate him. And I have no goddamn sympathy or empathy for his situation, despite the fact I have gone through it myself. Fuck that. I got help. He's not even trying. Fuck him. I hope he has to deal with being committed like I have had to deal with p much living in and out of psych wards my whole life. Give him a little fucking taste of what I've been through.

Why am I so bitter? Because when my schizo symptoms were at their peak, he did NOTHING to help or encourage me to get better. He locked me in the basement and barricaded me in and turned off the power because he was sick of hearing me scream at the voices. So I spent weeks huddled up under my bed in the fetal position rocking back and forth and begging the voices to stop and keeping my eyes closed so I didn't hallucinate. My dad was furious with me the whole time and wanted to kick me out and leave me for dead. He wanted to disown me. He yelled at me and beat me every damn night while I was suffering through finding the right medication because he doesn't believe mental disorders are a real thing. WELL GUESS WHAT BITCH. NOW YOU HAVE THE PROBLEMS I HAD. AND ALL THOSE GODDAMN TIMES THAT I HAVE BEEN COMMITTED AGAINST MY WILL? TIME FOR A FUCKING TASTE OF THAT.

Yeh, I am bitter af. But I don't care. Like I mentioned last night when I was hella fucked up on drugs and speed balling... I DON'T CARE ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING ANYMORE OTHER THAN MY DOG.

So fuck it. I hope he gets committed and I hope he suffers like I have every damn time I have been locked up in wards. I am fucking furious, fam. Haha.

Whatever. I am still in my car. Still high as fuck. Shot up on some H this morning and have been popping pills throughout the day. I bet I am going to accidentally OD one of these days soon. Coz I am p much gorgeing myself on drugs day in and day out just to simply cope with being back here.

Yeh, I have a ton of friends here... And I just met two new ones yesterday because I am a magnetic, charismatic person and people are drawn to me so I make friends all over the place. This was by total chance, though. Glad to have two more totally open minded friends to add to my list.

Anyways. . . I should get back to lounging in my car and watching Grey's Anatomy. Lolol. And popping more pills and vaping. Heck. Haha.

I am so sick of writing entries on my phone. It kills my carpal tunnel. Ugh.




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