My heart in a knot
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2017-08-13 12:03:07 (UTC)

what really happened

Ok so yesterday I did something, and by that I mean I attempted to step out of my comfort zone and try something new. Well, I got burned. I went to meet someone from online and it turned into a situation, I had red flags about meeting this person from the first day they proposed the idea, but they were extremely adamant about it and seemed real after I did my own background check, so I ended up letting my guards down and going for it.

Well, we didn't meet, and here's what I think happened: 1. either it was a scam of some sort, 2. she was there but got cold feet, 3. she got cold feet. 4. she has personality defects or something else.

Basically I show up and even I didn't want to be there, it was way out of my comfort zone and my feet were getting cold but I wanted to "see what would happen", well nothing happened and after 10 minutes I went home, we later had a text "discussion" about it and I pointed out all of the red flags and basically let who ever it was know about themselves. The reality is that I'll never know what was truly going on behind the scenes, like I mentioned before sex trafficking, kidnappings and organ harvesting are real issues even right here in America and one has to be vigilant in order to protect themselves.

But this whole wave of me letting my guard down, putting myself out there, and trying new things comes from this entire "awakening" experience I have had, I woke up and realized that a good portion of my life slipped right by me, all of the things I should have been doing with my life were never done and now I'm trying to make up for it. I discovered that you have to do a large amount of stuff in a relatively short amount of time, for example, most people in their early 20's complete college, date, get married, have children, and start successful careers all in a short amount of time. I realized that I've been living my life far too slow and now I'm trying to catch up but still wanting to be rational and safe about it.

It reminds me of the quote I mentioned before: "Disappointment is the distance between your expectations and reality", I'm often disappointed because I've had expectations about how life is supposed to go and right now I'm not even near the ideal life I thought I would have at this point. My sister for example, sits in her room all day playing video games and hurling profanities while not cleaning up after herself or working. She seems completely content with her life. Me on the other hand? all I want is a family, a house, a good career and to live my life in a safe city with lot of things to see and do. I really don't know if my desire of this is far fetched, but it seems like this is what other people have and I seem to be an outlier. This is the very reason why the folks who adopted me, adopted me... because they were afraid to be the "childless couple" so they found some kids to add to their collection (and misery) but I don't believe they were truly happy because they wanted children of their own, my entire life has been messed up because of them.

So here I am. My life is still miserable and my immune system takes a hit every time something negative happens, also my lack of physical affection and love takes a toll as well. But I recover much faster than I did when I was younger not only that but it motivates me now instead of putting me down in a worst mood... I'm now at this point where I realize I need to do a large amount of stuff in a short amount of time and I need to stay alive during the process... that's where most people loose their battle. I don't know why but my brain keeps a special place in it's memory bank for all the deaths and murders I've read over the years, yes the very things that left me in crippling fear about the world and kept me in my safety zone (which is why I'm in this position right now). For example I recently read of a 19 year old newlywed couple who died in a car accident, they were young and just getting their life started, they were on the path that I wanted to be on at that age (except the dying part), I want to really quickly share something that I was just reminded of... it was a quote from someone on the internet and it made me laugh because it was so blunt.. they said "The point of life is to not be dead", I can't remember what it was a response to but I thought it was hilarious. But it holds so much truth even if it sound so basic.

So yes, everyday is a battle between life and death, but over the years my fear of death has subsided as I desire to enjoy life more. I've come to accept that it's not the length of ones life that matters, it's the quality of that life. Did you achieve anything? do you enjoy it? was it full of love and laughter? People who have lived good but died young are winning over people who died old and lived miserable in my opinion.

As far as my current state, well I have a doctors appointment this Tuesday at 7am which may reveal what is going on with my health, this could lead to a major shift in the course of my life and I'm anxious but ready. As of now I'm simply on a whole foods diet and trying to get my immune system as strong as possible. I'm still working on finding that perfect job opportunity so that I can get back in school, get a gym membership and get started on long overdue personal projects I've wanted to do my entire life, one of them being to create a short film. I realize that I have to do more if I want my life to fall into place and I also need to distance myself from my "family" as hard as that is... but we have never been a normal family, most of my adoptive parents extended family don't even know who I am, but that's another story.

I was going to stay home all day today but whole foods is having a 25% off sale on all their supplements, I don't think 25% is worth it but if I can double up with sales and coupons then it might be. Right now I'm in need of a good probiotic, omega 3, and I'm still considering ashwagandha. I'm about to look up what they have now and see what I can find that is in a reasonable budget.

Hopefully I'll be back soon with some better news.