rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-08-05 11:48:08 (UTC)

Overwhelming

I'm taking a short break from doing nothing all day to come and write about how overwhelmed I feel with life right now as I sit in my room and do nothing. (sarcasm)


But really, my problem is actually with my thyroid and inflammation, it leaves me tired and unmotivated to do anything which is why I feel incredibly bored right now when in reality I could be hanging out with "Jay", Jay is the girl I met online who was looking to meet new people even though she has nearly 2,000 friends on facebook. She is part of the reason why I feel so overwhelmed and I already know that it's a good thing that I met her because she has already provided me with the motivation to get my life together even though we haven't physically met before.


So here's more of the back story: she and I are a year apart in age, we started college at the same time, however she didn't attend community college like I did, she was able to go into a decent 4 year college (like I wanted to do), she graduated on time, and sometime during that time she had 2 children, she later went on to go to graduate school and graduated with honors. She now has a good job probably making 50k a year. So basically she has lived the life I should have also been living during my 20s, but what was I doing???? well lets see, I didn't do college the normal way and ended up taking longer, I never got into a serious relationship which is why I don't have any kids, and I accepted low wage dead end jobs because I didn't feel I had any value or direction in life due to my adoptive parents being such horrible people. Basically I wasted an entire decade.


To put it bluntly, I have a lot of catching up to do and it's extremely overwhelming simply thinking about it. And here's my first problem I'm running into: I have worked low wage, dead end, low skill jobs all my life thus far so when I put in my application for a better job I get rejected because I have no skills. My second problem is that I didn't know how bad my health and lack of motivation was, I was basically floating through life unmotivated without any goals or clearly defined plans for my life. Basically I didn't know what my life was for or if I was going to ever reach something. I was accepting my life in poverty and still living under the shadows of my adoptive parents who kept me unmotivated and unsuccessful.


Well, now that I've "woken up" it's like I took a decade long nap and now the alarm has finally gone off and now I'm panicking because I'm not only late for work, but for everything that people hold near and dear to their lives like starting a family, owning a home, taking vacations, and just enjoying life! One of the things that me and Jay talked about on the phone was traveling, basically I told her how I've pretty much never been anywhere or seen anything, I think it's obvious she thought I was incredibly boring... and yes I realized I am incredibly boring because I haven't done anything.

So yes, I'm late and finally seeing myself, I even see how people were trying to help me but at the time I still couldn't see it. It took all of the tragedy that has happened within the last year as well as meeting different people and having different experiences... and most importantly getting my health under control and knowing what my body needs and doesn't need that has lead me to this point of "awakening". But of course by now I feel worried I have ruined everything, I've quit 3 jobs (thankfully I wasn't fired) but still quitting looks bad too and it hurt my reputation and hindered my progress, but at the time I had nothing to live for, I didn't know what the point of my life was and I was just drifting through. Now it's going to take a lot of effort to prove to an employer that I want to take on the job and move up within the company to eventually reach my goals. Right now my goal is to simply be secure, right now I'm not secure, I have a few skills but not enough to get me a good job with benefits.

I feel like I'm sitting in a pile of trash and I need to clean up my life and get myself together. At least I'm at this point, my goal is to get a job with benefits and then go to an alternative medicine doctor and get some blood work on some of the current levels (thyroid, vitamins and minerals, hormones, digestion, and heavy metal) from there I can create my own health plan on what my body is still missing, as of now I still get fatigued and brain fog especially during major changes of my cycle.


Thankfully the internet has been a wonderful instrumental tool in helping me learn everything I need to know and gain insight to what I need in my life, I'd be lost without it. Over the next few weeks I will see what unfolds for me, right now the focus is seeing if it's too late to get into classes for the administration certificate as well as waiting to see if a job comes through or not. I'm also really thankful for the people I've known and have gotten to know in the last few months.... Ashley, Jay, Emily, Taylor... I know I haven't written about all of them because I haven't been writing every detail but these are people I've met in the past few months and I was able to have a glimpse into their lives and was also able to see my own life and it showed me what I want to get out of life.

Well, it's almost 2pm and I haven't done anything at all today remotely productive, I did spend some time sitting out in the sun so I could get some vitamin D, it's a really beautiful day and would be nice if I would have accepted Jays offer to hang out, but I'm still apprehensive about that whole situation but I'm still glad I met her.


Also, just for the record, I am starting to miss working full time.... actually this nice weather is making me miss my old job. I did apply again.... all they can say is no or yes... even if I seem desperate.




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