My Letter To The World
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2017-08-04 05:45:54 (UTC)

Death puts life into perspective

Mood: peaceful, productive
Song: None, but i can hear thunder and crickets chirping outside.
Color: Orange

It's 12: 25am
and i'm only allowing myself on here at the very most to 12:45 because i want to read before bed and i know that for a fact i will get caught up in the book and be gone for a while and it's already past midnight and i'm trying to get into a better sleeping pattern...ha we shall see how that goes as it's never really worked in the past.
Today was our first day back from Texas and i'm glad to be home, glad to be able to sleep in my own bed instead of a ridiculously uncomfortable pull out couch shared with one of my siblings.
Glad to be anywhere other than the car after that long drive.... ha glad to be able to sleep in this morning.

I'm going to try to stay in contact with my Grandpa in Texas, we've never really had a good relationship it's awkward and he wasn't a good dad to my dad and he's not really been a grandpa to us either...we see him maybe once a year if that, though dad talks to him on the phone every couple of weeks i talk to him on the phone maybe twice a year....
He's also a very sexist person which is part of the reason we don't get along well...cause that's just not something i deal with very well with people, right up there with racism ect.
But he's lost Josie after 23 years... Josie his companion friend, Josie like a grandmother to me and whom i'm still grieving which means that he's grieving more than me...
I've gained some compassion and i've decided to try to build a relationship with him and do what i can to be a person that cares about him and shows it.
I don't expect anything in return, i'm not sure hes capable of offering emotional support and family or friendship or what ever it would be, but i can, and so...i should shouldn't i?
I know that you regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did at the end of your life, or the end of someone you care about's life....and i don't want to regret not trying and putting more effort into the relationship like i did when Josie died....and i thought of all the time i wasted and all the calls i could have made, all the letter i could have written...just all of it.
and i don't want that doubled.
It's funny how death puts life into perspective.

I'm Re-reading Stephen kings IT for the 3rd time, the first time as an adult.
seeing another trailer for the remake that's coming out in September inspired me.
I will watch that movie....i'm looking forward to it, but also like with most remakes i have to kind of separate it from the original completely and just go in expecting it to be a completely different thing and have an open mind.
I think that with all the remakes now a day's you have to do that....cause otherwise you might hate everything.
I'm not saying all the remakes are bad (some are horrible and some are great) but all are very different.
Maybe i'll make a list of all my favorite and least favorite remakes and why sometime. idk.

I watched soul surfer today.... i've seen it before, it's the story of Bethany Hamilton the surfer and the shark attack ect.
It made me cry... which just means that my emotions are still super high and that they just need to chill out!
That's all for now i think, there are a few other thoughts but....
I want to fully develop them before i write them out....you know?
ever just need to process things before you process things?
like it has to go through several layers of dealing and thinking and feeling.
yeah...that's where i am and i'm tired.