Screened In Porch

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2017-08-01 13:17:39 (UTC)

Russian roulette

So, today my knee is aching enough to keep me off of it. Yesterday, it was about the same as it was today. A couple days ago, it felt so good that I felt like I was healing right up. This is like playing Russian Roulette never knowing until I wake up in the morning if I will be able to walk or not. I am sick of this as you can imagine. So, yesterday, I called the court house to ask if there was a good time or a better time to come up to the register of deeds so I can get sworn in updating my notary. It looks like anytime will be good, just not late in the day. SO, tomorrow, I take him to the doctor who gives him the shots in his eye, that is at 10:30. So, depending on my knee pain level, we will go before his appointment to the court house so that will be handled. I can order a new stamp online and not have to do any walking. My current stamp has an expiration date on it. Next one will not have that. So, I will never have to get another one. Next time it expires, I will be 70. I am not confident I will last that long. This life is getting to hard for me.

So, I went ahead and sent the granddaughter a letter with 40 bucks. I probably should not have. But she is only 17 yrs old. Still learning and may be wishing someday that she treated me better. I do not want her to have any reason to feel that I was not the best I could be for her. Send the right message trying to be a good person, instead of a bitter one. Although, I am bitter. I am heart broken.

I wrote 3 other letters to her letting her know how heart broken I was and if that was her intent, she had succeeded. But I did not send those letters. It still felt good to write them. I will get rid of them before anyone has a chance to locate them. I think it is about time that I bring this up to my daughter about this shit. She is the parent. She is the one they take their lead from. If this is her doing, especially after all the crap she has done to me.....with the money from my account using my ATM card when I trusted her....from all the other things...since then and before.....so, I am not perfect. Neither is she. There is only one time that she asked me for help and I said I could not do anything...and it was not because I wanted her to sink, it was because I had no money and I could not do it. She had got in trouble at the job she had where she had used the company ATM card and used it for personal use. They were going to have her arrested for embezellment . I told her no. So, apparently she had to ask someone else and they helped her. Since then, she has been distant from me. She said she needed 1500 bucks. I am almost convinced that it was just a lie to get the money so she could have extra cash for the her phone bill and doing stuff with the girls...living beyond her means.

I had always told both of my kids that if you break the law, do not call me. If you are in jail, do not call me. If what she said was true, then that was one of those times. However, I would have helped her if I had the money at the time. I have certainly given her much more than that amount since by paying her mls dues and buying her a camera and giving her a new laptop....much more than 1500. But nothing I do seems to help.

With that being said.

I am done. She is on her own. I will be doing nothing anymore. We are old people here. I do not feel good. I am in pain a lot. It seems that for many years, she has taken every opportunity she had to scream in my face and say something nasty....you know those under the breath comments...just anything to hurt me.

Not again.


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