My Letter To The World
To bottom ↓
To top ↑
RSS subscribe

my-diary.org tip jar

Ad 0:
yX Media - Monetize your website traffic with us

2017-08-01 00:26:18 (UTC)

Too Much

Mood: Exhausted, Tired,
Song: Welcome to the black parade by My chemical romance
Color: Orange with flecks of teal

I'm in such a bad mood right now...
Everything seems to be annoying me and my family around me so we are all so easily annoyed at life and each other....so.... that makes not being home, and being stuck in confined places together like cars or hotel rooms difficult....there is no such thing as "going off to your own corners" or maybe there is and it's just a bit to literal in this sense.
I'm writing this blaring music from head phones so that i literally can't hear anything going on in this room.
It's too loud but better than the alternative at the moment.

I had to be at the funeral today, we had to be there early and we left late, then we had to go to the house and be with the rest of the friends and family which isn't all bad don't get me wrong but i only know a few people and then it's just tooo many people! it's so crowded! people squished into the living room of a small house or outside in the 95 weather which at one point was the better option cause i couldn't stand to be surrounded by all the people i had an anxiety attack and ended up walking next door to josie's empty house....which i walked up onto the porch where we sat and had countless conversations...but i quickly left there and ended up walking up Avenue I in ******* Texas.
When i felt like i could breathe again i went back, went into the house and thankfully a lot of people had left by then and it wasn't so crowded.
The good thing about so many people being around is that people don't miss you when your gone....at least not for while.
But that's also the bad thing....so many people have been kidnaped in this area....
Including my dad's younger sister which was never found.

I love being close to the ocean but i'm really glad that i don't live here, that i don't live in a place with rush hour traffic and people that are absolute idiots while driving.
I like a small town.

You know a thought occurred to me today....
you know how when your little one of the first things you learn with your siblings is the concept of taking turns?
well my Brother is dead, my Brother Levi is in Heaven.
So Is Josie, so are my other grandparents on my moms side, as are several people that i love and care about like Winnie and just people that made an impact on my life.... i lost them to death...they are gone and i'm still stuck here for now...
and i thought about Levi and how well i got to know Josie, Winnie, our Grandparents and he didn't and those people are now in the same place as him.... which means that i guess it's his turn to get to have them close.... which is comforting that i get them on this side and he gets them on that side...and one day all of us will get to be together.

I'm so tired but i don't think i can sleep, and i don't want to go swimming and there's nothing else you can really do in this hotel.
i guess i could just set out on my own but that would freak out my parent's even though i am a perfectly capable adult.
But it's also SO HOT and HUMID out there that it's not really enjoyable unless it's darker...dark in general.
Which it's not as it's only now just after seven pm.

One day and two nights left here in Texas as we have to be home by Thursday.
Half of me can't wait and the weird tiny little voice inside me that likes to run....whispers just stay....
You could, you could get a job, stay with family they'd let you.
Live by the ocean, start over.... never look back.
Isn't that crazy? no? Yes? both? yeah. both.
It's both good and bad, crazy and tempting.
but one of the good reasons for being in This part of Texas isn't here anymore and that does definitely take away some of the draw to be here...it makes it feel that much bigger and that much more empty.
But sometimes the world just feels that way doesn't it? even in a small place the world can feel big and empty.

I know logically it's not.
But logic doesn't mix well with exhaustion and grief and irritation and anger....lets not forget that....
My brother called my mom today....being a complete and total ******* and bragging about his kids which he evidently got back from DHS but he shouldn't cause he and his GF aren't going to take care ot them the way that they should, that's why they were freaking taken away in the first place!
But on the phone when our mom didn't react to his satisfaction he starts yelling at her and being like "well is that all you have to say? blah blah blah." and you know what????
He can just **** off because guess what we aren't home we've been running around like crazy had a death in the family and just left the funeral and he Didn't even freaking care!
and i'm over here like just shut up, go away, stay away, You don't care about anyone but yourself and i don't want anything to do with it, ha he's lucky he didn't call me as i was not in the mood and would have probably just told him i didn't care, and that he could Frick off when he started his yelling and bull****

why don't i go take off for the beach and meet a beach bum a tall dark tanned attractive beach bum ( insert a mental picture of a tanned Damon Salvatore here)
Lets go get lost for a while.... like steal a yacht from the doc down the road and head out to some open sea.

okay so yeah....Randomness from a mind that's way to full.
INFJ probs