rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-07-25 02:22:24 (UTC)

Really rough night

I had a rough night last night. Lots of crying and reflecting on my childhood and current reality. I'll be ok, if there is anything I've learned about life is that you have to be able to take care of and stand up for yourself, very few people care about the hardships of others and it's not because they are selfish but the reality is that most people have some kind of hardship and if they don't usually they are working towards their goals in life. Actually I was thinking about that the other day in regards to how many homeless people get passed by on the street, the people who pass them are not necessarily heartless but we as this huge society that we are have a tendency to focus on ourselves. For example, at my current job I have encountered some people who simply do not want to be bothered. Just yesterday when I had gone into work I started gathering the computer device that will allow me to do my job, well there were none left and so I turn to a guy who was sitting there and ask him if he knows where any more might be and he very rudely replied that there were no more. He was incredibly rude and it's not just him, there seems to be a lot of people who work there who seem to feel bothered by outsiders. As I go along I'm starting to see the people who am willing to help when I need help. But I'm also learning that even if I need help I need to try and figure it out on my own first. The problem is that I'm required to communicate with them if I need something or if something is out of place which is the entire purpose of my job. But just as I have identified people I need to avoid I have also identified people who are happy and willing to help. But more often than not I seem to be met with hostility from people who seem overtly angry over nothing and it made me wonder if I am considered an outside perceived threat to them because ultimately my job is to check on and to report if they have done their job.

This job is the least of my worries though and I'm more concerned with the fact that I haven't received the information that the lady at the job I'm trying to get said she would send on Monday. She had wanted me to fill it out right away and I thought she was going to send it by email but it's possible she is sending it to my address... but I actually don't even think they have my address. I think it was likely she was going to be sending it to my email address but either forgot or was just stalling because during our last phone conversation she seemed terribly unorganized and forgetful; during our conversation she kept forgetting what she needed to ask me and she asked a bunch of questions that should be asked during the application and not after giving a job offer, so maybe she had made some mistakes and was trying to do damage control before she made a decision. Well at this point even if I don't get the job then I'm ok with that because my urge to move is getting stronger and stronger the more I reflect on my childhood.

I pretty much cried for about 3 hours before I finally fell asleep. I then looked at a photo that I think sums of my childhood pretty fairly. In the photo there is a very brightly smiling 5 year old (me) sitting next to a woman with a frown on her face and her hands clinched together, in the photo I am slightly trying to lean in towards her as if to be affectionate. The woman in the photo is my adoptive mom, and a frown on her face has always been her signature look, very rarely have I ever known her to smile. What makes me feel so bad about the photo is just how innocent I was at that age, I was smiling because I was happy to have a family, even though I had already been put through a lot from a twisted system I was still able to smile and I had a desire to love and be loved. It's hard to look at that picture and see that smiling 5 year old and to know all the pain I was going to be put through for the next 25 years of my life because of the woman sitting next to me. But what hurts the most is that back then there were no cell phones or accessible video cameras for me to record what was happening to me. It wasn't until I found this site that I started to even make some type of record of my reality. I think one of my biggest frustrations as a child was not having an outlet to tell other people what it was like for me living there. And my adoptive parents wanted to keep it that way which is why they raised us in such isolation that the only people we could confide in were our friends at the church we grew up in until around age 15. They kept our circle very small and I suffered because of that.


Today's technology would have made a huge impact on my life if I had it, when I was a kid I felt like I didn't have any access to the outside world and it created a lot of fear in me. I then became heavily dependent on my adoptive parents because they were all I knew, they created the dependence by limiting who I knew, lowering my self esteem, and creating fear in me about the world. One memory I reflected on was how my adoptive father would paint my birth mother out to be a monster; he would tell me how bad she was and that she had no self control. He indoctrinated me to believe that she was my enemy. And for a long time I believed it, but there is far more to the story than what I know and it's basically an entire twisted system that criminalized my birth mother and threw me into a system where I was sold to the highest bidder. I just happened to be placed with a couple who had no desire to be loving and affectionate with the children they adopted, we were simply like property being purchased, I felt so unloved and unwanted by them while growing up; I tried to run away 2 times and once called the police on them, eventually I had gotten to a point where I was so fearful of the world that these people were all I knew and I became heavily dependent on them, these were the years that I lived in a "fog" but I've finally started to clear the fog, I'm not completely out because they damaged me so badly but I'm ready to start the journey to healing.


I'm also starting to feel ready to possibly get to know my birth mother. She frightens me still because I don't have any way to gauge what state of mind she is in. She doesn't have a criminal record, I've checked... she has experienced homelessness and may currently be homeless I'm not sure. But I feel that her situation deteriorated so quickly because people stole her children from her and left her with nothing. I gained nothing from being adopted and I think my sisters situation is worst than mine because she is still spending the majority of her days and nights fixated on video games, she's in her room right now at 4am still playing video games. She needs a new car and she needs to be finding a way to become independent and financially stable but all she does is play video games, even if she runs into a problem she just throws a rug over it and continues with her video games. She still lives in complete filth and has no motivation or desire to change. It's because she is just as damaged from our toxic adoptive parents and the toxic environment we had to endure while growing up. I don't know how to help her and I don't know if she even wants help. But I do feel safe to say that she has an addiction, I don't think anyone takes it serious because it's not drugs or alcohol it may even seem harmless, and even sometimes I feel like I'm wrong to call it an addiction when I hear her in her room laughing at the game because it seems to bring her so much happiness. I even feel guilty to judge the way she is living her life and her hording problem because I know she was raised just as poorly as I was, the place where we divide is in our choices. Of course I'm not perfect myself, I still have a lot of healing to do and I'm working on it. This is why sticking to my diet is paramount to my recovery, I hate to say it but I think the crying episode I went through was more than just me reflecting on painful memories, I think the break in my diet played a role as well. That is why each time I go to the grocery store I get more stern with myself, it can be hard because I have cravings like any person would but until I can get to the root of why my body reacts to certain foods I need to continue to eliminate them from my diet.

Yesterday I picked up some more coconut milk so that I can make more turmeric tea, I was supposed to drink some last night but didn't feel like it after I started crying. I'm still having lemon water everyday and I notice that it works wonders for my digestion, the only thing about the lemons is that I worry about how it erodes the enamel on my teeth as well as reacting to the metals in my mouth which can be more harmful than good. The solution is to drink from a straw but I stopped drinking from any plastics years ago so I am considering getting "glass straws", yes that's really a thing and I think it can seem pretty dangerous but I have found some brands that seem to have quality, my other option would be stainless steel but I don't want the lemon to react to the metals. For right now I'm just making sure to rinse my mouth out well after having it.


Lately the biggest barrier to my diet has been that I'm simply tired of eating the same things everyday, even though I know these foods work wonders for me they start to get boring after a while, not to mention that I still don't have an acquired taste for them. I guess I'm just going to have to find some new recipes or way to fix these foods to make it feel like I'm having something different.

Fall will be here before I know it so I'm going to make sure to enjoy these last warm weeks before things start to cool off, the heat doesn't bother me, only the humidity so I will miss the warmth of summer. It looks like the rest of this year will be pretty much the same as last year but I have high hopes that after a few months working I will start to make better moves. I don't think I will be able to fully heal until I'm completely away from my adoptive parents and anything that reminds me of them.


I'd write more but I'm about to fall back to sleep......




Ad: