Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2017-07-21 23:47:03 (UTC)

Dark Secrets and the Light of Day

So a while back in my last foray into a relationship I came to understand some deeply guarded secrets had been shared.


I should start at the beginning, I am quite a talker, open, friendly, and not too socially awkward, I hope. I am one of those who can empathize with many others and they seem to know it and seek me out to share their stories and even secrets. Some I share with one other person, many I catalog away, bemused that anyone should have so strong a sense about me or that they should be so open as to tell me these types of things. I have heard tales of assault and even murder (in those cases, the court cases and sentencing were long over), I empathize not conspire. I am touched that anyone should share, the world being the place that it is. Honestly, it often confounds me as well. But I try to take everyone's privacy as my own and not divulge anything that I feel I should not, since not one of them has ever asked me to keep it to myself.


I struggle sometimes under the weight of what is told to me. Violence is a hard share and a hard hear. Often I feel privileged to be the one they shared with, as I hold stories in high regard especially those which are true. So when others come to know secrets of mine, well I want the same privacy and gravity accorded to me. And really everyone has done so, I think and if they haven't it is fine as well; it never got back to me. Until that guy shared something he knew was personal of mine likely with someone he harmlessly assumed I would never ever really have contact with. Although that did not turn out to be so. And the fallout was bad for me, I was beyond embarrassed since this was one of those things you might not even whisper in a confessional. It was a honest mistake made without any malice but the it was bad on my end, very bad. I still wonder that I was able to pretend I was okay with it or maybe was mature enough to forgive it, I can hope! But the sense of betrayal was deeper than any I had felt before and what snapped me out of it was the thought that I would never have to face this person if I chose not to and after that, well they are not on my list of people to hang out with.

It sometimes strikes me as small minded to feel this way, but I think everyone deserves to meet strangers on equal footing and not disadvantaged. Internal lives and truths are meant to stay internal unless you find yourself in the rare occurrence of total trust with another human being and in my experience that is only ever a handful of people. I don't mean to be guarded and I certainly don't intend to project openness when I am a private person, but I genuinely believe that there are lines of trust that us ordinary mortals should stay on the conservative side of and leave all that radical transparency to others.




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