My Letter To The World
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2017-07-14 06:42:17 (UTC)


Mood: Tired, anxious
Song: Begin again by Rachel Platten
Color: Copper

There was a time not long ago that i would have welcomed the idea of being shaken up, i would have agreed that i and those around me needed it, i would have said that we were secure enough to face what ever shaking up that God, and the world could throw at us because we had each other and we had faith.
I was listening to the song mentioned above and it got me thinking about how the idea of being shaken up, the idea of facing unknown things or difficult things literally terrifies me.... How i feel scared and timid of being hurt, of dealing with change and letting people in.
Of embracing a new place and all the challenges and frustrations that come with the people in the new place and all the bad things that come with all the good things.

I feel like it took so much to get myself where i wasn't nervous to speak up, where i wasn't nervous to pray.
Where i was in a solid place...and i feel like i've back tracked...granted i am better than i was a year ago too caught up in anger and hurt of betrayal to pay attention to anything else.
But...now it's like i have to relearn how to be bold again, to do what is good and what is right and to put my heart and myself out there because that's what your supposed to do in life, you don't reach anyone staying locked away in your room.
And on the other side of that is that nobody reaches you.

The secret of life is that people change people.

I was in a meeting the other night and we were supposed to have a time of prayer and i thought it was going to be like a prayer meeting and i was nervous about praying out loud in front of these people....and i don't even understand why...cause praying doesn't make me nervous and these people while i'm not the most comfortable around them that is getting easier...
I just... i don't know i've lost some confidence and i need to gain that back.
I need to accept these people and allow them to accept me and see me for who i truly am the good and the bad and just try...
and i feel like i am trying to build things here... but it's not easy cause in the middle of a conversation or something i will slink off to the side and i will not speak unless i'm spoken too...and i will be shy and i will feel like an outsider.

I need to be shaken up, out of myself out of my own head where i'm drowning in the loudness and chaos of my own thought's while also at the same time dealing with deafening silence.
I am terrified to say that i need to be shaken up because then i know that it will happen and i will have to deal with the consequences of that both the positive and the negative.
That's life...

I don't know how to open my heart to these people let them in.
I don't know how to open myself to these people to let them let me in.
I don't know how to put my best foot forward...cause right now all i see is my flaws and all the things i can't do and all the bad things about me and i'm afraid that that is all they can or will see....sometimes i don't know how anyone could see anything but the bad things about me.

Like how do i have the friends i have now???? how did that happen? why do they like me?
I'd say it's cause I've known them for the majority of my life and we are just used to each other...but that's not the truth with the majority of the people that i am currently close to in my life.
I see the good in the worst people...but i can't seem to find the good in myself when i need to....
like yeah lets go put our best foot forward... lets show these people how amazing i can be, how good i can be... um...okay yeah!
uh...wait...what should i do? what should i show them? how would i do that? what good traits could i show off?

My incredible sarcasm.
My uncanny ability to see the worst outcome yet still go for it anyway and then get hurt.
My Negative reactions.
My closed off there's no way you could possibly come anywhere near me attitude.

While i am negative i do have hope...and i do have faith and i do try to see the good in people even when it's hard to find good in them....
Like i have this picture a really old now picture on my phone...it's of someone i really really don't like someone that hurt me alot it's of them where they look very...innocent and very good and i keep that picture on there instead of deleting it to remind me that that person is human and has good in them and that they aren't evil.
I'm negative and sarcastic to a fault....but i also have these:

Unfailing hope that things will turn out well.
Faith in God and in love which are the same.
I find the good in people always.

Now... i just need to find a way to translate those good traits into this new place and show the people here that that's who i am...somehow.
i don't know. we'll see... wish me luck and send some prayers my way if you the praying type.
it's 1:40 in the morning i have gotten those feelings and confessions off my chest and i feel like i could sleep...tomorrow is a new day, to start over and be a better person...to be better than i was today.
I need to stay focused on doing the next right thing.
And it's Friday...the best day of the week, good things happen on Fridays.