MyBlog0563

(almost) Daily Blather
2017-07-10 05:07:11 (UTC)

Contemplating

Over the weekend I had time to contemplate things....as I usually do when mowing the yard. Contemplate all sorts of things, from 'why do I write in this journal?' to 'why are me and my siblings not close?'. Not saying I come to too many answers, but I do think about things.

Ideally, I need a stenographer when I have these contemplation sessions so I can dictate what I am thinking and get it written down since I seldom remember the details once I stop mowing. Such is my life.

But one topic of my thoughts I do remember from my weekend contemplation is 'Why do I write in this journal?' As anyone that reads my rambling can attest....I complain about my present situation in life, predominately my marriage. Hell, let's call it like it is....I bitch a lot and don't seem to do anything about it. I have had readers send me responses that console me, responses validating how I am feeling, responses that have stated that I amuse them by how I state my complaints, even responses telling me to get off my ass and deal with my shit. I honestly appreciate each and every one of those responses. If so inclined, please keep reading and responding.

But, really, why am I writing in this journal? So I can bitch. So I can complain. so I can vent.

Although I have made this journal public, I am writing this for me, not you, the readers. I am using this to put my thoughts into writing so I can see what I am thinking. If that makes any sense. So I can see if my thoughts are way off base form what the actual situation is. So I can get things out so that I can avoid letting things build up until I make an ass out of myself with my wife.

And by that I mean I am one that doesn't really like confrontation, so when my wife does the things that hurt me, bother me, etc, I say nothing. I let all of that bottle up until something, usually something little and inconsequential, causes me to let it all go. It usually starts with me getting more standoffish, little irritations get overreacted to. Finally she calls me on something, and then the flood gates open.

To her, I am blowing something tiny WAY out of proportion. To me I am saying all I wanted to say for all past transgressions. Transgressions that, since I never said anything then, were not considered transgressions to her. And now that I bring shit up...I look like a total asshole.

Or, at least I think I do.

So, I get on here and vent. Not specifically for you, the reader, to console me or validate me, but so that I don't let it fester inside of me. And so that I can go back, when I am not in a state of irritation, and reread my thoughts so I may determine if I am overreacting, overthinking, and feel justified in how I viewed a particular situation.

That is why I write on here.

And while writing this I guess I continued my contemplation about why I write on here. Well, more on why I made this journal public. Since all of the stuff I just wrote I could do with a private journal. I think that component, being public, is for exactly what those that have replied have given me...consoling, validating, and even the occasional swift kicks in the ass telling me to stop bottling it up. Hell, I guess I am also looking for someone to flat out tell me I am wrong. That I am looking at shit so skewed that I can't see that she was correct and am way off base about a situation.

I am not foolish enough to think I am beyond fault.

On that note I will close for now. If anyone reads this, thank you for letting me bend your ear.




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