Screened In Porch

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2017-07-06 16:19:23 (UTC)

More turmoil

I am really beating myself up about those memories I recently retained for some reason. I guess it explains a lot of rejecting behavior from the ones who may know about it. I am not sure.

Let's go over this once more to clarify what I remember and lay out what I am not sure of.

My husband and I were going through a time where we were seriously close to splitting up. I had just about had enough of him never wanting anything to do with me. His family were always being rude and hateful to both of us. I was not accustom to that. All my past friends had other friends and family who adored me. Never eat shit looks. Never not being included or acknowledged. This was all new to me and I did not like it at all. So, with his friend stalking me after he and his wide split up, and my husband not believing or not caring enough to say something to him to make it stop before something bad happened. And something bad did happen. Not my fault. It was just like several years before....

when I had been to the cardiologist who told me to not be around second hand smoke. I had a valve issue which is leaking and this was one of his instructions. I came home and told him. Well, he did not smoke. So, the only change around here at our house was to tell people they could smoke outside, but not inside our house. What is wrong with that? I put a NO SMOKING sign on the door. He did not like that. He never told anyone, not this couple (couple I am speaking of) or his brother...no one. He thought instead that it was rude to tell people they could not smoke inside our house or not provide an ash tray. Fuck my heart condition and me. Just fuck all that.

I almost left him then. But I held on. As time went on..the grand babies being born changed that and we then did not allow smoking inside the house. It was an easy change. But again, he did not think my health was enough of a reason to make the change....just only when the babies were born.

Hell, most people do not even think of smoking inside their house these days. But you can understand how disconnected I felt with him not thinking more of me to ask his FREINDS not to smoke here anymore. It could have been done in a nice manner....by simply saying we are making some changes here at our household due to my wife's recent health scare and we are no longer going to be smoking inside the house, however, there are sitting areas on our deck outside that anyone is welcome to smoke at.....but no. That is not what happened.

Anyway...after his friend went insane thinking he could come here uninvited after his wife left him....even after I said, since you and your wife are no longer together, you should not come here when my husband (who was his friend at the time) is not home. But when he did not respect that, I had to close the garage door, the blinds, stop answering the phone and live here like I was in a jail cell to avoid him. This was before we had called id. He would call, I would not answer the phone. Before cell phones too....he would let it keep ringing, laying down his phone, and driving here while the phone was still ringing....drive here look in the garage window to see my car...and stand on our porch listening at the phone ringing. Very ODD behavior. It eventually stopped. I mean months....it took months for it too stop and I let my guard down. So, he got in the house one time. When the door was unlocked....bringing in beer....acting like an old friend.....so since I was expecting people to be here soon...I felt ok but still did not like it. I woke up in the middle of the night...he was in my bed. I came too..and told him he better get the hell out of here and fast. My husband ( HIS FRIEND) was out of town working. I was devastated and was unsure what happened. I know I drank maybe 3 beers. But I can drink beer. He had to put one of his physco pills in my drink. He had been in a mental ward and there is no telling what type of crap he had access too. I was scared to death to tell my husband. But when I did, he finally believed me....I was in tears telling him about it....and reminding him that I asked him to say something to this guy a long time ago.....
but he did not.....

So, after that, when he was at work or out of town...I was gone....I started going around my friends. And we would be involved in rock bands and jam sessions....I started taking photos and filming live performances...and tried to stay busy to get all the recent events out of my mind.

At one of those friends house....I was ROOFIED again. This time...it was more violent and I was hurt beyond anything I would feel like sharing here....my insides are messed up...bad.

I do not go anywhere anymore. I do not trust people. Men, women young, old...I do not trust anyone.....

Do not want to go to parties...cookouts....concerts.....I want to stay right here.

And when I am working....I have a gun with me just in case I need to blow someone away.

I did not reveal that second attack to him. I was for sure worried that the pattern would be unbelievable....and he would possibly decide to not believe either of them. Honestly worried he would kill me. Or someone. I worry about this shit constantly now.....
it is eating me away......

I have cut my hair to hardly having any.
I have gained so much weight....
no one looks twice anymore......I once turned heads...not that I wanted too....
just really do not want to be noticed anymore.....

And this is my life currently

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