rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-07-01 20:11:23 (UTC)

Finding hope.

It's not even the fourth of July yet and people are already shooting off fireworks. Fireworks don't really bother me but they bother my dog a lot so ever since learning how scared she is of loud noises I always try to help her feel more comfortable.

Today was the first day of my job training, the woman I trained with was unusually nice. She was really helpful and showed me a lot. I do feel fairly confident in my ability to do this job but there are a lot of steps involved and it's no where near as simple as I thought it might be. I don't feel anyway in particular about this job, I'm just going to do my best and work through it.

I want to write about something that has recently been on my mind. Last Thursday during my interview the woman who had set up the interview was fairly young, it's actually likely that she is about 3-5 years younger than me. This has just been a reoccurring theme for me lately; I'm noticing that people my age or younger are now the leaders and in positions of power. It's starting to become really embarrassing that I haven't reached that level in my career and that I'm trying to get into positions that don't require leadership skills. This girl I'm talking about practically runs the place, she's in what I would call a leadership role because it requires a lot of responsibility, maturity, dedication and organization. I've never been in such a role and it's starting to really bother me. I was very curious about her so I looked her up online and discovered that she is right on track to living the perfect life. She was recently married and seems to be deeply in love. She's living the kind of life I dream of and after realizing that she saw me in such a vulnerable lowly state as I stammered through a job interview that pays so little as if I was desperate I felt so embarrassed to be me. Needless to say it's likely I won't be taking on that job, there is nothing worst (for me) than being bossed around by someone younger than you in a role much better than yours, and to add injury to insult her life is likely perfect.

So I feel more confident in my decision to take my chance on getting the other job that pays more and has more overall potential, even if I'm starting in a very low rank position if I play my cards right I may be able to move up quickly. This entire ordeal is just a repeating theme of what I'm facing right now. Even though I'm aware that it's unhealthy for me to be so preoccupied with making sure I'm at an age appropriate level for everything I can't help it, it's normal to compare yourself to others, I think it helps provide motivation for growth.


For the next few days I'll practice my interviewing skills, I still feel worried though about actually getting the job because I checked on the website and there were only 5 positions open and this is a very popular job because it pays well and has benefits so there will be a lot of competition. They were offering 3 days to interview: the 3rd, 6th, and 7th, I picked the 6th because I'm scheduled to do my first task at this new job I took on, but I later realized that was a huge mistake because if they have other people to interview they may make a decision before the 6th when it's my time to interview.


Anyway... I hate that when I was starting to feel optimistic about the future reality slaps me in the face and I realize that I still have to overcome all of the damage that has been done, then I have to try to run the same race everyone else is running even though I'm behind. It doesn't seem fair sometimes but I've learned that life isn't fair and that I'm lucky to even be alive right now.

Well so much for being upbeat and entertaining, I guess I'll call it a night, I still have some training to read over for this new job I took on.




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