My Letter To The World
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2017-06-27 02:47:24 (UTC)

Pondering the weirdness

Mood: Mixed emotions
Song: i know places by Taylor swift
Color: Green

Do you ever just marvel at the weirdness of life???
I do.

I'm being asked both what i want for my birthday and what i want to do for my birthday.
I'm kind of really apathetic about it...
Idk i'm missing Levi particularly badly this year...and i don't know why i guess some birthday's are easier than others this one's hitting hard for some reason...
i think it began with the talk of tattoos and the adoption symbol and memorials and i've just been weepy since the 20th of June hit basically.

I don't know what i want for my birthday, i'm not picky... i like surprises and i don't have to get gifts at all.
But i need a phone charger and maybe a straitener but those aren't birthday presents lol.
I want to have a good time with the people that i care about, i'd love to play games and laugh with friends but i'm not getting my hopes high for that things are so different now.
I don't know what i want to do with my family, dad suggested bowling and Grandma wants wongs but i don't want to spend a lot of money cause we don't have it to spend.
My mom has a package coming in for me and say's i'm going to be so surprised... i'm curious.
Idk My birthday is Wednesday and it's Monday night they will need an answer tonight and definitely tomorrow.
but i don't know...there seems to be complications to no matter what i choose....so yeah.

Gene had bone cancer, an infection in the blood, went into a coma last week and was taken off a ventilator today.... which means that he's probably passed away already and it's like it hasn't hit me yet.... like i feel sad but it's like i hoped it wasn't real and when this hits me i know that i'm going to bawl like a baby.
I don't want him to be gone...like what does that even mean??? what happens then? what is the world like after this?
i can't picture it.
I feel so small and helpless when i think about this...because it's like... so final there's nothing i can say or do, no last words i haven't seen or talked to him since last year.
I went back and i made things right with him and told him i cared and that i didn't want to leave things unresolved and he said to me that we were good, that we'd always be good and that he loved me and i said i loved him and then said bye and left and said i'd come visit again some time...i didn't i figured i had more time.
I didn't know he was so sick.
I'm sorry.

I've enjoyed talking with my friends today though...
that has been good, that has kept me distracted from thoughts of Levi Or Gene.

Dad talked to Jake today on the phone, had a long what seemed like good old day's conversation and it was weird and it's that that made me say do you ever ponder the weirdness of life...because that is some twilight zone stuff there.
I never thought i'd see the day...and it was a relief at the thought that amends could be made, but then i remembered that Jake and the rest are two faced back stabbing people that can't be trusted...
I have to forgive and move forward... i don't wish bad things for them... but i do see them for who they are and i do have my guard up.

I don't know what i'm thinking or feeling i am all mixed up and happy and weepy and listening to Taylor swift???? idk what my life even is right now lol.
I'm ready to get a tattoo though and i have the go ahead to do so, so that's exciting now just need to save up the money.