Screened In Porch

Life in general
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2017-06-25 01:56:40 (UTC)

Reborn into a new life

So, now I am going to throw this out there. It has been three years since my daughter used my debit card and almost ruined me. Never said sorry either. It has been about 5 years or so since the granddaughters were here and one of them screamed in my face when I was trying to get her to stop beating on her younger sister "she hates you and always has"!! That was shocking. Then, it did not get it. Then, I thought she was just a hormonal young girl getting ready to start her period. I think now, she was screaming in my face that her mother hates me and always has. Had nothing to do with her. Don't hate the messenger. Also explains the money thing. Maybe she thought I would tell her to fuck off and she could be done with me? I do not know. I guess those 100 dollar bills at Christmas time to each of them make it worth the horrifying experience of being here for that one day for a hour or two. Well, that is over.

I get it. She hates me. I get why. I have made mistakes. She has learned about those mistakes and she hates me for it. She hates me kind of like I hated my biological mother. But not for the same reasons. But she has her reasons. I wish it was not like this. I wish things did not happen to ruin it for us. But she has never been that close to me. I think she has disliked me a while. I had a drinking problem while she was growing up. I was not an alcoholic, but I drank way too much. Not a good look for a mom I suppose. Although I tried to do the best I could.
I can not blame any of this on anyone but myself. I ruined it. Nothing can be done to change it to something that does not exist. I was young when I had her and had very little skills. No role models. Not a lot of help. Blaming no one. That I just the way it was.

I am sick of being in this town. I understand why she moved away. All the people I knew here have mostly been a bunch of drug addict losers...coke heads....dreamers with no ambition. Bad. Wasted a lot of my time on them trying to change that too. I could not. I only took time away from my own family. I allowed some of them to take serious advantage of my family. My husband has been very gracious.
Now, I want nothing to do with them. Running their mouths trying to ruin me has worked. Being a bunch of jealous losers just wanting to take down the one person who has done what they said they were going to do instead of just talk about it for years. I said I was going to school. I went. I said I was going to take business classes. I took business classes. I said I was going to get a good job. I did. Then I wanted to become a realtor. I went to school for that. I did it. Not one of those fucking loser have ever done anything they said they were. Living in la la land....deep in the thoughts of a complete idiot....sucking the life out of anyone around them. The worse one who had three kids to raise but allowed her mother to do it instead...I recall her once saying she could be and do anything she wanted to do after a pep talk from her mother. But instead of setting goals that were reachable. She went around claiming that she was going to become a doctor. talk talk dream dream....she to this day only talks. Could have done a lot and had the means to do many things. But did nothing but suck drugs up her nose and dream of becoming a rock and roll singer or a country star. Neither has happened nor come close. TALK TALK TALK....I wasted many hours...days...years practicing with her. When we were getting a gig to actually play out...she just stopped. Instead of playing with me...she started hanging out with some drunks who could not play music if their lives depended on it. What a disappointment she was.

I hope I never see her again. I hope I never have to talk to any of those damn people again. Now that all they do is run their mouths...after all I have done. I took a ride.....paid for dinners....etc....all to be turned on.....and all that running of the mouth has turned my kid against me too. God I hate this damn place.

I will get out of here somehow.
I will start over somewhere else.
IF she hates her mother. She can hate me. At least she is being honest. I will live so far from here, that can be her reason for staying away from me. And when I am on my death bed looking at a empty room....she will not have to be there to pretend to give a shit.
I get it now.

No one really gives a shit.
And that I okay. I get it.

I will be reborn into a new life....with out all these people....

Please do not say I LOVE YOU to people you do not really love.

It ruin it for the real love when it comes around.
At least learn that.