Screened In Porch

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2017-06-24 17:21:09 (UTC)

Saturday Pain

It is Saturday again. Weeks are passing by so fast. Month are passing by so fast. Here we are in our 3rd quarter of this year and the year will be over in no time at this rate. I hope that I find answers or at least get set in the correct direction to get answers in regards to the constant pain I am in these days. It is constant. I am ready to learn the reason. I am not ready to be told that there is no reason. If that is the outcome, then I am not sure how I will be able to handle it. That might be the beginning of the end as I am okay with that too.

Seems to me that I have purposely been deleting people from my life for a while now. Sick of the bull shit, the fake friends, the betrayal, and mostly the users and the complete idiots. Sick of it all. Will not miss it either. If I make it through whatever this is; the changes in my life will include starting over with everyone and everything. Never looking back. I can not change my past and what people talk about, but I can change my future and how words affect me. That I can do.

Same goes if thing go south. If I get bad news. If this is it. Then so be it. I am okay with that too. Maybe this is the time in our lives, the end of it where we reflect on our mistakes and wasted time. Trying to help people who take advantage and never really move toward to a better place...just wasting my time, ideas, giving a shit and hoping for the best. Some people are okay with being in public housing with no job, no car, no education nor future. Whoa. Not I. Being a do gooder is okay. But I only wish I had not wasted so much time working on them when I should have been working on myself and my own family.

Family? Oh hell. Which one do you mean you may ask? Someone like me has several. The biologicals whom I try to run from and do not want to know. Do not want to spend time with. I feel nothing. Why can they not just get that? When you say the words LOVE, it should come from somewhere inside of you that feels it. I can not feel it with those whom I do not know. Those whom I have spent no growing up with time nor memories. It is not just that they sound like a bunch of uneducated hillbillies....I am sure Dolly Pardon has some of those in her family that she feels love for...the difference is she knows them....has memories and experiences to recall and feel from. I do not. My life is not going to be a feature presentation on one of those REUNION shows. Those shows mostly have to be STAGED. 5 minutes of tv time or something like that. Looking into the face of a complete stranger and saying I LOVE YOU and mean it is just not possible. I get that. These other biologicals do not all get it. Some do, but most do not. Just because they were older and remember me as a toddler does not mean I remember them. I have ran from this all my life. Still running from it.
I will soon turn 65 yr old. Seriously a long time running. I truly feel that when a child is placed in foster care under protective custody, that child should not be living in the same area as the biologicals ever!

I have to be careful on social media. I do not want anyone to know I am not well. I do not want anyone to know I may be having surgery, when and where. I do not want these people showing up in my hospital room when I am confined to a bed. Why can they simply not take a hint and understand that I just want to be left alone? So, because of that possibility, I must plan things almost like a damn celebrity. Although, I am far from that. I am not a person that likes attention. EVER!

Remember in the Realtor class of almost 80 people? The professor asked that we each stand up and say who we are and tell a little bit about ourselves? Holy shit. I had a panic attack so bad I had to leave the room. I went to my car and sat there until they took a break....and then I went back into the class. I was real close to just starting the engine and going home forgetting the entire plan. But I stuck it out to the end....and only 6 of us passed the class. I was so proud. That is how close I let that thing about me....that shy thing or whatever control or even take away an opportunity that if I had left, I would have not had. I love being a Realtor.
Glad I stayed.

So, please do not let my saying this stuff about the biologicals make you cop a opinion of me. I am not better than them. I do not think that. That is not where I am coming from. All my life, I have been someone else. I was not raised with them. I become a family member of another family although it was a foster (false) one. Then, I became one of my own family. MINE....no one else's. I did not want to ever remember them. When I started having the memories is when I started having my self esteem issues.
I would have not thought about them if the biological sister had just left me alone. She could not take the hint nor could she respect my feelings at all about it.

Yeah, when you remember your mother throwing you have of a moving car going around mountain roads with curves and cliffs....and knowing you survived that, then you remember your mother pushing a washing machine on top of you as you fail from the porch that it set on...you do not want to be around people who tried to kill you. But you do want to know why. Why was she afraid of my life? Could it be that she crawled into a bed with men draggin me into it with her so many times, she was worried I would talk? I never got the chance to talk about that stuff....I was placed in a foster home long before I started school. I had already suffered through broken bones and all type of horror. The trauma from all that helped me forget it. This is our minds way of protecting us. I am sure you have heard of having out of body experience?

So, no, I feel nothing nor do I feel guilty for not feeling nothing in regards to the biologicals. Maybe they were not chosen to be the little girl to be abused and maybe they do not feel hatred toward their mother. That is ok. That is fine. But when I say...we can talk under one condition which is; I do not want to hear about our mother. I do not want to see photos of her. I do not want to hear her name. Then my not wanting anything to do with them is their own fault for not respecting my conditions. And if that makes me a horrible hateful bitch, then so be it.

I am sick of people right now. I am sick of all of them. I just about can not handle stupid at any level. That could be because I am dealing with my own stuff right now and all those fuckers that used to falsely claim to adore me....saying I was their best friend ever....just so long as I was there to bail them out....to lift them up....just to watch them fall again when the money ran out......well, I do not need those fucking losers in my life right now or ever again. I only need my husband and my son. Others can just wonder. Be clueless. And when my phone rings asking for a favor....for a lunch...a good talk....or jam session or a ride to the beach....just go fuck yourselves. Not fucking me again. Dumb asses!!
They can also leave me alone and mind their own damn business!

And to the liars who think they have something to say about me. Well, I am almost flattered that you want to spread nasty stories about all the men I have cheated with.....and that I was that barfly that every man wanted. It almost sounds like a compliment when you actually know the truth. The truth is known my me. I was there. You were not. These stories you lie about are so far from the truth. You losers will always be losers. Me? Never been one. Not one now. And since you allowed your jealousy take over your mouth, you will never know me. Only from the words I write and even then, you will have to read between the lines, because people like you, who are so out of touch with reality can not understand the truth. You lies, your embellishment of the truth is all you know. You run me into the ground so many times, you start to believe your own lies. You see me riding by....in my car....and you get on your cellphone...."I just saw her on her way to the closest bar to pick up her next dick" Spread the word. LOL When in fact, I am on my way to a lawyers office to a closing where I will walk away with a check for 6 thousand bucks....which I get to keep all of it but 15%. Why ? Because I am the boss. And you are the losers making up lies about me.

Jealously does look comfortable on some people.


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