My Letter To The World
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2017-06-24 03:39:54 (UTC)

Anticipating Grief

I don't want you to die.
I don't want to lose another person who means the world to me.
I don't want the first death i return to MSBC for to be yours.... i knew it would happen i anticipated it, but not in all my imaginings did i think it would be you.
I thought that you were okay.
and it's you that i went back for...to fix things with... it's you that is like a grandfather to us.
It's you whom i let see me cry about this church thing when no other adult got to.
I was angry at you and yet i didn't want to leave things like that, so went back that sunday... i risked seeing people that treated me badly, i risked seeing ghosts of the past.
I talked to you, and you told me that you loved me and that we were okay.
that we would always be okay.
i said i loved you too and that i'd see you again some time.
Now i may not get the chance.
Which would be sad but i'm comforted by the fact that i settled things with you and that you and i are good.
I'm crying at the thought of a world without you in it.
You are a good man whom i'm honored to know and to have supported, to have spent time talking to and getting to know.
To have had a person like that love me, care about me and support me that way.
I love you Gene.
And i'm sorry that things had to work out this way.
I don't want you to die.
But i know you'll be in a better place, you won't be in pain and i'll get to see you again.
I don't know what else to say, or what to pray for you.
I won't forget who you are and what you brought to the world.

I don't want to grieve before a death.
I don't want to jump to conclusions
I don't want to pray you back if your were in pain.
I don't want to lose you.
I don't want to make things about me.