Screened In Porch

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2017-06-20 00:18:45 (UTC)

A blabbling on post

Been a while since I just start going on and on about crap. Hold on to your seat.

Unfortunately, I am getting use to being treated like shit. I know that I must be strong mentally for sure or I would have jumped off a building or bridge a long time ago. I think a lot about my bad behavior after the sexual attack here at my house. The one that should have never happened. The one I warned him about asking him to speak up and take care of this guy coming around here. But he did not. Just a reminder of all the other times, he did not speak up and allowed people to walk all over me and him. I have never been the one that that would just allow that from anyone. I thought being married to a big ole hunk who most likely beat the living shit out of anyone, I would be okay relaxing and let him take care of things. But he let me down.

We had been living like room mates for years by then anyway. He has never been very sexual. We stopped sleeping together 20 or so years ago. I do not talk to much about that. But if you are a man or a woman, just how would you handle that? You leave? Find someone on the side? What? Many of us would have the same answer to that question, and some of the goodie two shoes would say, "well, I would have just left". I am not a quitter. I knew there was something to this behavior and I instead of running away which is usually my first thought; I wanted to stick it out. Find out what was happening if anything. When he learned that the guy had come in here on me, he was very upset. He did take care of it then. That guy figured I would never tell him. But I did. He knew then he should have protected me. I thought the incident would bring us closer physically, but that never took place. I started to feel that although I back then was not sure if he had someone on the side, I was beginning to feel like something might be wrong with me. Am I not attractive enough? Do I not cater to him enough? At that point, I was doing everything for him. I have never been a bitch or a nag. But then there was his family who put us through knee deep shit and broke us both. Was that the reason? A part of me felt like he was neglecting me to punish me for that. Did he blame me? It took years to hear him say the words that took that fear away. He did not blame me. He was more ashamed of them treating him that way than placing blame on me. It is simple. His family is very dysfunctional. Every damn one of them have issues. Still do to this day. They did not like me. They were used to his ex wife. That was it. No one could replace her and as far as I was concerned and my kids...we were intruding.
So, in time it turned into a hell I would rather not even go into.

But after that attack, I thought about them. He was out of town. I was being stalked. They lived right up the road. I could not call them to help me. Most families would have worked something out to help the one who needed it. In that case, it was me. But I knew that if I called them, they would turn the situation into a horrible thing. I asked for it. I lead him on. Who knows which way it would spin. It would have been their chance to try harder to break us up. But as far as they are concerned, we both remained strong. He did not every want me to leave. Nor did he want too much to do with any of them anyway. He could see right through their meddling and hateful mean spirited ways. they drove wedge between him and his girls. Hell, we have not heard from them in over 15 yrs. Nothing. He has grandchildren that he has not seen at all. They hate us.

He tried to tell me they hated him before me. It was not my fault. But it was still hard to take, hard to watch him breaking like that. He was the strong man. They broke him. And that is why I stayed. It took a while for me to see that his emotional state was damaged. He being the one who failed me by not protecting me from the predator and them hating us....just broke him.

I started not staying at home very much. Especially when he was out of town. I started using my camera to get me up front and close to the live music that I loved so much. I use to play guitar and write songs. I was being trained to play but that fell apart. My self esteem has never been very high. I think that at the end of the day, the reason it really fell apart was the girl I played with who was over weight, and not very smart, talked like she was out of her mind most of the time....although she did write some good songs...just too damn long. But there were a few that we did together and our harmony was undeniable. We were great. But when it come time to actually start playing out...she turned her damn back on me. She wanted to play with a group of men. Drunks as it turned out. If the truth were to be known, she did not want to stand with me in front of a crowd. Although we both had blonde hair....I was the looker. She was the one men ran from. She had men tell her they were gay just to stop the sexy talk....she would attempt on them to get attention. It was hard to watch.

But I had my camera. I started going out and filming bands. Got some footage on some music videos which was an honor. Got my mind off the attack and the state of things at home. I was around men who were talented and some gave me attention. I could hugs...and many times I would be somewhere and realize they were watching me. Making sure someone was helping carry my equipment and staying close by. I became friends with many of them. I slept on sofas many nights...and met girlfriends......family and friends. I was always included. Anytime they were having a gig, I was asked to come. Many times I had to choose which gig to go too that night.

I enjoyed it so much..that one of the bands who used my footage in some of their videos asked me to be a manager. I did not do it, but I was asked. The lead singer for that band ended up being hired to sing for the Mushroom heads. Three Quarters Dead opened for the Mushroomheads in NC a couple times. They loved Waylon. He was awesome. If I had been their manager when that happened, there is no telling where my life would have went. But I ended up back here in this town.

A band near here who once played to open up for Bret Michaels played at the pub one night. I promoted the hell out of that event. I was there with my camera and took many photos. The place was packed. The streets were filled with cars....it was so much fun and I loved feeling the success. Stuff like that helped me heal. But I knew that there was nothing I could do to be excepted by his family or kids. That was a road already traveled and too bumpy to go down. I figure that if they ever want to come around....they will.

I am sure many people saw me out during all that. No telling what his family was thinking. Probably had much horrible things to say about me. One thing his family is listen to gossip. No one ever calls to ask about things they have heard, but they treat me like they certainly believe it. So, is it okay to treat a sexual assault victim like they are a total whore? No, it is not. But that is how I feel sometimes.

My moto of this is if you do not learn any thing else learn this.... You get to know someone by talking to them...not about them...or listening to someone talk about them. Get that right and you will know many people. I mean really know them.

Anyway.....I am not sure why my daughter is treating me like shit now. But I am not going to worry about it too much.
That is her cross to bare. I am innocent. I did the best I could. She knows my story of my young age as a single parent...
she knows her dad died at 27. What in the hell was I supposed to do? Just because she is so out going and can speak up
for herself...and walk into any place and feel comfortable does not mean I can. Not back then anyway.

I wish she would just get over it.

She is at that age I was when I had a complete nervous breakdown because of all that shit.
I hope she is stronger than I was.

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