Screened In Porch

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2017-06-13 21:15:25 (UTC)

Bad memories...hard to take

I swear man, I am so tired of feeling like the bad person. I am tired of being looked at or treated like people see me as a whore with no damn morals. None of that is true. Could not be farther from the truth. These nosey busy bodies who love to run people into the ground if they do not "fit" in to that mold they have created in their mindless heads....that is me....no, I do not fit there.

I know the truth. They do not. They only know what they have heard. Malicious gossip. Just enough to run with and embellish to the point of having an unbelievable story. Only trouble with this is, they do believe it. All a bunch of old maids who actually have husbands...but no life.
Just go to church, the grocery store, the kitchen, the dining table and start again. On the phone with Sally Jane and Mary to run that mouth and telling more of the lies that continue to come in...more to the story. Much nastier than my real story. Easy to remember those nasty stories when you do not know the truth. I find these people sickening. And I am sick of it. I will not allow this stupid shit drive me to blowing my brains out or someone else's. I will not allow them to ruin my life. They have proven who they are. They are not the holier than thou Christians that they want people to believe. Not at all. Worse of the worse. People like this cause divorces...sadness....fights where people really get hurt...broken hearts...and families. Why? So, they can feel superior.

I was hurt. Someone "drugged" me and hurt me. My insides were so harmed that I have to take chill pills just to go to the GYN. I start thinking about this shit every time I make an appointment. Who do I ask to go with me this time? I certainly can not drive. It hurts so bad, I cry. I hurt for a week afterwards. But instead of talking about the truth that none of these holier than thou's never bother to ask, instead they run me into the ground destroying our family or try too. If the knew the truth, they would not care. You asked for it. You were dressed in a short skirt.....you had on make up. You were too cute.....bull fucking shit.

I an't all that now, am I? No, I cut my beautiful thick hair all off....I am a fat ass. I can hide behind all this. But I can not hide from the pain...the hurt...and the memories.

I use to go out a lot. This is true. I had friends.. I had guy friends too. But none of them tried to get in my pants. Instead, they helped me carry my cameras and supplies...lights and equipment for those times when I was filming live performances. I was asked to do this. I needed something to keep me away from home...and off my mind the horrible event that happened. Yes, it was worse than I implied. I had bruises all the way up to my rib cage under my breast...so whatever was rammed inside of me was meant to hurt me. And it did. This is why we
do not have sex. This is why I have my own room and he his. This is why I live like this...and was living like this then. John and I never even attempted to sleep together. My god. Yes, we cuddled a couple times...like that day I heard Dale Earnhardt died. We cuddled. That is all.
And none of anyone's fucking business. TALK TALK TALK might get these old bitches attention...but if the truth were to be known they wish they had a life. They wish they had importance. THEY DO NOT......

My past is painful. And it is none of their fucking business. My husband knows about it. They an't got nothing on me.....just a bunch
of gossip and horrible things that are not true. There is no way in hell they know anything. I have never talked to any of them. No
conversations at all. NOTHING.....they have treated me like shit even way before this happened to me. They an't never wanted anything to do with the woman raised in foster homes....she was damaged goods....even though, they knew nothing about that either.

None of their damn business.

But I DO.....
SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUPS....suck it up.

I am here to stay. You can hate me.

But I will never go away.

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