Screened In Porch

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2017-06-13 00:30:04 (UTC)

Missing John....been gone 1 yr

I literally redone my calendars today. Which means, I erased them and wrote this week...and filled in rest of calendar. Nothing new really, I do this every few weeks. Then I realized that John has been dead for one year. I think it was June 12th when he had that horrible accident. I wish things had ended differently for he and I. I wish I had not went off the deep end.....he was just too young to deal with my problems. And as it turned out, he was just looking for a soul mate. And he found one. He and her moved a little north from here and bought a house and started a family. He took her kids in and she had and he had a couple of their own. He grew his business and was doing well. Matter a fact, there was an article about him a week before his death showcasing his stone work and his skills. He was very talented. I am honored too have known him for a short time of his life. I only wish he knew how much I wish I could have at least asked for his forgiveness for being a nutcase back then.

This damn marriage here and his family and that crazy ass couple that was up our asses all the time....was more than I could handle. When that man stalked me.....and I asked my husband to please tell him to not come here when he is not here, he did not do that. When I told him on the phone that the guy was acting weird and I felt scared being around him, he did not call him and have the discussion that would have handled it. He knew my husband worked out of town. It was horrible people. I literally shut the blinds, locked the doors, shut the garage door and did not answer the phone. I wanted him to stop calling and hoped he would figure I was not home. But no, he called from his house, laid the phone down while it was still ringing at my house....and got in his truck and drove here....standing at the door to see if he heard me in here...he heard the phone ringing. I was a prisoner in my own house. This went one for weeks. I was scared to death. Finally he stopped. I still kept it locked up...and did not go outside much...but to get the mail. After a couple months I felt a little safer since he had not been calling. So, one night, I had made plans to go to the pub with a couple of my friends. I was wearing a white denim skirt, a t-shirt and tennis shoes. It was summer time, so I was tanned. I had the garage door up because I was waiting on the girls to get here. They were both coming in separate cars. Neither one showed up that night. But I heard someone at the back door and it was him....he came walking in with his beer...and sat at the bar in the kitchen....I told him I was waiting on someone to come pick me up...so he said he would keep me company till they got here. I insisted that was not necessary....but he stayed.

3 hrs later I wake up in our bed. "our" meaning my husband and my bed. He was in the damn bed too. HOLY SHIT...what just happened...
I laid there in shock and later just got pissed as hell...shook him till he came too and told him he better get the hell out of there cause my husband was coming home...later. He got up and left. I locked it up again......shaking like a scared puppy. I did not go back to sleep that night...or the next. I was a wreck. I became very bitter toward my husband. It was this time that or near then that I told him he could sleep in the other room. Matter a fact, I moved his clothes in there....and all that. It was then I started living in my master bedroom alone....my own bed...tv...computer....phone...etc. I did finally tell my husband what had happened. I had no choice. He worked out of town a lot then. I needed to be sure that the fucker did not know any of our business like when he was here and not....so, he finally had words with him....
and that was that. Have not seen that guy since.

But the damage was done. I was still a wreck and I just could not get past it. Did not understand why those girls, neither of them bothered coming here that night. Maybe they did and he told them to leave. I never wanted to have much to do with them again either. I felt like I had been set up to be sexually assaulted in my own home. But I did start going out with others. It was then that I met John.

He was so sweet. Understanding. Told me from the git go that he could not rescue me. I did not need rescuing. But it sure was nice
to have him as my friend back then. The talks we had....the time we spent together....helped heal me. I was preparing to leave this
marriage. He was helping me be strong enough to do that. It was like he was sent into my life just to do that. And he did.
But I could not leave. After talking about the possibilities of splitting up, I decided to stay. And John walked off with that other girl...
the one that he ended up with. I was told later that I broke his heart. His friends liked me with him. But it was one of those things that looks good on paper....but when you hold it up to real life; it just was not meant to be.

I learned that he was killed on the this day one year ago just a few months ago. So, at the end of the day......
here I am....much stronger....I was not a realtor then. He told me I needed to go back to school and do something...
said I was too wise to be working for anyone but myself. He worked for himself too. So, here I am....

and he is gone. I really miss that guy. Even if I had never seen him again.....I wish he lived to be an old man.....
all he ever wanted was to have a family...he got that.....at least he got that.

I hope he forgives me for not being strong enough to leave....and I hope he is proud of the person I have become.
I made some mistakes back then. I got crazy....working it all out....and I lost him. I really lost him again
one year ago today....

You were loved to the bone John Kelvin A.


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