rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-06-04 03:22:26 (UTC)

the damage

I woke up at 3am for some reason and am finding it difficult to fall back to sleep so I decided to come and write. I don't know why my stomach feels upset I don't recall eating anything that would make irritate it. I did do a bit of moderate exercise yesterday so maybe that's it.


Yesterday my adoptive father came over and his visit triggered a lot of emotions in me, firstly, he started on his usual tall tales but I was better able to see and understand his patterns of behavior which are things I didn't pick up on when I was younger but effected me greatly. He also spoke very badly about the boy who was living with them for a short while, which is another damaging personality trait that he has.


I think what is most noticeable when I write about my adoptive parents is that I switch between a feeling of loyalty and resentment, and I worry a lot that I sound ungrateful towards them. But it can be very difficult to explain my parents but over the last few years that I've been away from them I have been able to see clearer how damaging they were to us in our youth as well as who they are as individuals and how they interact with the world. The problem is that they have always put forth an image of being pillars of the community; they are not entirely bad but they aren't entirely good either, but most people are like that, but my parents are damaging in that they don't realize how their actions effect other people. They also seem to be unaware of how to help people in a way that doesn't create dependency or cripple them. To be frank you'd have to actually be around them in person to understand how I'm trying to explain them. And I've been going back and forth with myself with guilt because ultimately at the end of the day no matter how you look at it or how much damage they unwilling caused they are the only people who I knew as parents while growing up. Their biggest flaw is their stern view of life, on top of that they are very distant/cold. I actually can't count too many times in my childhood where we all laughed together, but to say we never did would be a lie which is why there is an element of loyalty that I feel.

But the reality is that both of my parents are aging rapidly; their health is deteriorating and it's very difficult to watch even if I do feel resentment for feeling so isolated because of their traits. Plus I feel guilty sometimes because I know some people who have/had a much worst childhood than me but I won't let that take away from the pain I feel when I think back on the memories of my parents. I've even been wondering lately if I would have been better off having not been adopted by them and never having a family because our family isn't close and loving, it just seems so flawed.

But I'm not trying to bash them, more than anything I'm trying to understand. And the conclusion that I've come to is that I have to move on and try to fix myself and work with where I'm at at this point because I can't change the past, I can't change who my parents are. I'm actually at a point of feeling more at peace as I think rationally through this. The reality is that I may have been expecting too much from the world..... but it comes from seeing other families that seem to be so loving even if they have nothing at all. I almost feel like everything I knew growing up was a lie and even when things seemed ok they really weren't. I've been trying to understand my parents and why they think and act they way that they do and many different explanations come to mind, for example, the way they were raised, the era they grew up in, their religious upbringing, medical conditions, .... and some other things I can't recall at the moment. But what I'm saying is that I don't want it to come across as me having expected the perfect parents because I don't. However there are events and things from my childhood that have impacted me now as an adult and I feel like for so long I was unable to see things for how they were but now it's like the light has been turned on and I not only see them better but I see myself and the entire world in a much clearer picture.


I feel so guilty to only now be reaching this level of understanding, for so long I was just passively moving through life without much care and unaware of everything I needed to be doing. I've been asking myself lately is it too late to fix things? can I pick up from here and fix things? can I help my parents? can I help my sister?...... do they even want help? Maybe it's really just me.


I have unaddressed issues from my childhood that needed to be fixed then, but I was unaware of how much these issues were impacting me, it's like it was a negative cloud that was constantly hanging over me making it difficult for me to enjoy life. I've finally started to address these issues in hopes of being a better person but I wonder if it's too late. All I know is that some of the negative thinking and actions I've done aren't me, I do have certain personality flaws but they are separate from the unaddressed issues that need to be fixed. For example I've finally started to acknowledge that I have too much anxiety and fears, but it developed very early in childhood and went unaddressed because like so many other people we are taught to get over it instead of working through it. But I also believe that I have some sort of medical or physiological abnormality that impacts the maladaptive thinking that I sometimes have. I can only relate that to a few studies I've read that show changes in brain structure and functioning based on early childhood traumas. As far as my speculation I believe that I have an underdeveloped pituitary gland as well as issues with frontal lobe development, the cerebellum and hippocampus. The problem is that these issues can be very subtle so it isn't very obvious. It's actually only been within the last year that I've been able to identify my diet as being a huge determinant in how well (or poorly) I function in my physical and emotional health and well being. That's the reason why I want to be clear that when I write about diet and health that it doesn't seem like I'm just following a fad or I believe that everyone should eat the way I eat..... all I know is that when I incorporate certain things in my diet (and eliminate others) I function better overall as a person. It's like my body needs these things to function at it's best where as other people seem to be able to eat whatever they please and can still function.

So that is pretty much why I'm such a health nut today. Lately I've even started to get into anatomy and physiology just trying to understand my body better. I do think I have some irreparable damage that has been done but with a healthy diet I think I can control it. The scary thing is that around this time last year is when things hit their lowest point and I think I was developing an autoimmune disease as a result, I think I have reversed it but it's too soon to tell. The only thing I wish I could do (because I love research) is actually have imaging of my brain to map any changes that are happening in my body, I see changes on the outside but there is no way to see changes in the inside without some type of medical equipment.


Well it's daybreak and I want to see if I can get an hour or so of sleep made up for waking up so early... sleep is also one of those things I need to work on.




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